Ask Sparkles 2.0

If you missed our introduction to Sparkles, you can visit this link and come back to us. (Think Dear Abby meets Little Miss Sunshine)

Dear Sparkles,

Dumbeau here. (For the record, I changed the spelling back in the 80s)  As far as Disney characters go, you know I'm pretty long in the tooth.  I'm old enough to be Princess Jasmine's great great grand-dad for Horton's sake!  And Sparkles, you know what they say about ears and noses?  It's true.  They never do stop growing.  So you can imagine what my life is like now. 

But it's not the size of my lobes prompting me to write you today, Sparkles.  You wouldn't recognize me--I've had a total physical makeover.  My problem now is what to do about all my saggy skin after losing a quarter ton on Disney's The Biggest Loser.  Truthfully, I only enrolled in the program because I was having trouble hearing, so when Tweedledee pointed to the sign up sheet, I thought he said "Biggest Boozer."  Some habits are hard to kick.  FYI: the producers frown upon champagne baths on the set. 

Sorry, I tend to trail off a bit in my older age.  Anyway, I've been faced with this ridicule my entire life, but now that I'm more of a meager mammoth, it's even worse.  People hate it when you're thin and fabulous, ya know.  Would you be able to recommend a good elephant-plasty surgeon?  If so, I'd really appreciate it! You're the best, Sparkles!  I won't forget you!  You know, we elephants don't forget.
Your Pal,
Dumbeau
P.S. I hope you like the picture!  It's from my beach portfolio.  I just got back from the Caribbean and I'll be updating my trunkbook page with more pictures soon!


Dearest Dumbeau,
You sweet old beautiful behemoth.  Do you know what?  I'm just so proud of you for getting your health on track, and you know, your Mama would be so proud of you too.  I hope you don't mind, but I made a few phone calls, aaaaaand--Disney's Biggest Loser is interested in recording an overall fitness and health dvd featuring some of their most successful contestants!!!  You have been chosen to lead a discussion panel about your experience, along with Ursula, Tilda, and Peg Leg Pete!  And Dumbeau, here's the best part!  Celine Dion has agreed to perform your personal theme song: "I Believe I Can Fly!" 

Oh Dumbo, your career is going to pick up again!  Who would have thought that a circus elephant with only a mouse for a friend could turn his life around like this!?  So you see, pal?  You need not worry!  The world loves you just the way you are! 

 

I wish you nothing but happiness and fat-slash-cholesterol free peanuts in your future! 

Hugs and Kisses!
Sparkles

Ask Sparkles

Who is Sparkles?

Sparkles is a former 9 to 5 working girl from AnyCity, USA.
A real go-getter who spent much of her life in the fast lane, she got fed up with the emptiness of corporate life, and she went searching for a more meaningful existence.    

She traveled through many different cities and small towns across the countryside in her S-shaped car that runs solely on moonbeams and pixie sticks.  

Sparkles can remove sidewalk cracks just by stepping on them, and she enjoys reading anything from Flip That Cell: Decorating Tips For Jailbirds   to   What Your Astrologist Isn't Telling You. 

She has taught the crankiest of camels how not to spit. 

Sparkles enjoys champagne with her cereal.  She counsels caterpillars at a local halfway cocoon.  And in her free time, she volunteers at a dolphin rehab clinic, helping them develop better attitudes and curb their tuna addictions in a safe and loving environment.

Sparkles has been known to offer great advice and head-scratching feedback because she simply sees all people and creatures as inherently good, from the PeggySue Type A Personality all the way to the common criminal.  "Some just need a little more fine tuning," is her motto.

Her most recent role has been that of consultant and therapist for the beloved characters of Disney.  When asked about it, she quoted,

"It's not all Teacups and 'Small World' singalongs at the happiest place on Earth.  There are animals, heroes, children, and villains who all need advice from time to time.  They keep me pretty busy."     

Dear Sparkles,
I am not sure what to do.  Mickey doesn't know about this, but I can't stand the dog food he's been feeding me and I don't have the bark in me to tell him.  I've been trying to cut out carbs and sugar because I'm concerned about my health.  I don't have 9 lives like Lucifer and the Aristocats, and the dog years are really compiling.  How can I tell Mickey though without hurting his feelings?
Sincerely,
Pluto

Dear Pluto,
First of all, I don't care what those textbook editors are smoking, don't you ever let anyone tell you you're not named after an actual planet because you ARE!  We can't just go leaving off the last word of important phrases about my very educated mother like that.  Ok, back to your problem.  Pluto, Iams may look like Whoppers and crunch like water chestnuts, but it definitely won't solve your movie theater concession crisis OR tasty up a tossed salad.  I don't blame you.  Perhaps go to Minnie first.  Compliment her cooking.  Tell her you'd like to try more of that.  And have you seen the price of Purina?  Tell them you're trying to save them a little money, and suggest they use the savings for that home remodel in the Magic Kingdom they've been dreaming about.  But lastly, Pluto, be careful.  If you bite the gigantic 4-fingered hand that feeds you, it could also backfire.  And I would hate to see you give up your life of luxury by joining Snoopy, Bruno, and the rest of the real world dogs in a 4 foot by 4 foot pen.  Trust me, you ain't got it too shabby there.  Good luck!   
Smooches,
Sparkles    

Dear Sparkles,
I'm writing to you from under my bed.  I'm hiding out as I just can't face one more moral dilemma from that long-schnozzoled, pretty little liar, Pinocchio today.  He just won't let me rest, and I'm constantly having to remind him wrong from wronger.  Just this morning, Geppetto told him to finish the yardwork, but noooooo.  That long-snouted whiner wasted all his time snap-chatting with Alice in Wonderland, and he wants me to cover for him and tell the old man that he was sick in bed with a headcold.  I can't take this kid anymore, Sparkles.  I'm gonna crack.
Seriously Sick of It,
Jiminy Cricket

Dear Jim,
Firstly, what the dilly is the difference between a cricket and a grasshopper anyway?  I've always wondered.  Nextly, I've got your solution for little Pine Eyes.  There's nothin' worse than a lyin kid, that's for sure.  I'm giving you the number, and it's a direct line, for Donald's Angel/Devil Duo.  Their work load has been lighter lately and they can take a few of your needy clients off your hands for as long as you wish.  Then, I'm making you an appointment with my best bug masseuse.  She specializes in little limbs, and it'll help you relax.  Take a breather.  And you and Geppetto go have a nice baked spaghetti dinner.  You deserve it.
Call Me Maybe,
Sparkles


 








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Perhaps we could all benefit from a little more "sparkle" in our lives.