Resolutions 5.0

Resolutions are a funny thing.  One day you're in your yoga pants, feeling motivated to walk 5 miles on the treadmill, the next day you're in your yoga pants, feeling motivated to finish that bag of Ruffles and watch 5 seasons of House of Cards.

When Christmas was over I thought to myself, now it should be simple to stick to a sensible diet and exercise plan.  And then came New Year's.  Okay, no big deal, we'll wait this out and start again after Super Bowl Groundhog's Day Valentine's Day this is getting pointless.  It seems like I've been playing this cat and mouse diet plan since before Halloween. 


So instead of making unrealistic promises to myself that are only as good as the next rolodex of excuses, here are my RIGHT NOW resolutions.  5 things I know I can stick to. 

1. Be more open to trying jalapenos in my nachos.
2. Buy some pens and scatter them throughout the house and car so when someone asks, "Do you have a pen I can borrow?" I can say, "Why yes I do."
3. Try alternating between Target and Super Target so that one store doesn't get sick of me.
4. Give black licorice another chance.
5. Use my iron more.  The waffle one.

There.  That should do it. 
 
How are your New Year's Resolutions going?

 





























Jackson, watching his current favorite movie, Hairspray.

Christmas Time is Here Again

Hello friends and family!  I hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas and holiday season!  I know it's been forever since I posted on my blog, so I thought I'd better get back here and wrap 2014 up with at least one more funny story.  You see, just recently, Jackie has learned that his parents have actual names. 

I thought it was cute the first time.  But he has been honing this new skill for days now, and though he still lovingly refers to us as Mommy and Daddy, it's now also Karen and Phil. 

And it's usually when he's perturbed.  Isn't that nice? 

Let me set the scene for you.  Kayleigh just finished her last final exam and is officially now on Christmas vacation.  We are so excited to have this time to spend together and do fun things like shop, watch Christmas specials on tv, and just hang out together during the anticipatory week leading up to Christmas. 

On the drive home, Kayleigh and I were chatting away in the front seat, while Jackie watched Barney's A Very Merry Christmas--one of his true favorites--in the back seat.  While distracted talking with Kayleigh, I began to to tune him out.  I didn't realize--until several attempts later at getting my attention--that he was shouting "Push the button Mommy!"  But what really got me to tune back in was that he became frustrated enough that "Mommy" was unresponsive, that he started saying, "Karen! Karen!  Push the button PLEASE KAREN!!!!!!" 

Well, that worked. 

Hoping you have a truly blessed Christmas season spent with those you love, and a healthy happy beginning of a new year.  Let's have a great 2015!

The Back Page #16: The Cheese Stands Alone

• Whoever coined the phrase "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer" forgot to mention anything about the proximity of your wine glass.  Because keep that extra close, folks.

• Dr. Scholl, do you have any plans on designing a gel insert for slippers?  Cause let's face it, the high heels have retired and the gym shoes put themselves in a garage sale last year.

• The Farmer in the Dell is a nice little tune.  But I do disagree with the ending.  "The cheese stands alone?"  No.  No it doesn't.  It stands with me.  And we're making nachos.  Hi-ho the dairy-o.

• When you go to the store with your 2 year old, it's basically like playing Truth or Dare.  Like, truthfully, no--we don't really NEED to buy donuts.  But I don't dare you to take them out of his hands and put them back on the shelf.  There's definite flaw in that logic.

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?  

• I sometimes wish I had my own personal jester.  Oh wait, I DO have a jester.  "Jester minute, I can't wipe the booger off your hand until I'm finished going potty!" 

• I was informed by a random mom onlooker that allowing my toddler to use a binkie would be damaging to his future oral health.  I just leaned over to her, thanked her for her concern, and explained to her that I was pretty sure orthodontia is cheaper than psychiatry. 

The Waterpark...(A Quick Story)

So, our day at the water park was...well, let me start over.  It wasn't an actual water park.  It had water, a pool, a splash island with two fun toddler slides, and a big, menacing, bucket perched on hinges so that it could tower over us and soak everyone within a 5 mile radius.  And it happened approximately every 32 seconds.  Joy. 

It was so much fun for Jackie.  He got to showcase all of his water moves.  He explored with and without his water shoes.  He stayed above water, and then he plunged in like an injured sea lion, only to pop back up with a smile on his face as he happily rubbed the water out of his eyes.  He gained confidence by the second, and since we haven't enrolled him in official swim lessons yet, I was happy with his progress having no formal training. 

I followed him up the stairs.  Down the stairs.  Around every corner of splashy surprise until I saw him catch my eye as he told me with just a look that he was ready to try the slides.  Oh boy.  I wasn't ready.  Being there by myself, the math was simple.  One of me was not enough to ensure that this didn't end in a heart attack with a side of disaster.  How could I be both at the top to make sure he goes down ok, and also at the bottom to catch him at the same time? 

No matter because I didn't have time to wonder.  He was already up at the top, and he was pulling away from me, pleading for me to let go of him.  I let go.  But then as he disappeared down the slide, it dawned on me. 

$#!t!  I gotta go too. 

So, I thump-thumpity-thumped down the toddler slide and found Jackie waiting for me at the bottom, clapping and cheering for me.  The little sweetheart.   

After we left, I had to change Jackie's clothes and put him into a dry diaper.  Note to self: don't give your toddler Pringles right before he's going to sneeze four times and spray them on every square inch of the back seat, plus on you.  There's your share, Mommy.

Post Story Disclaimer: I have no pictures of this adventure.  And that's for the best.

New Rules For 2

So a mom, a pediatrician, and a two year old walk into a bar.  The doc sits down and orders a shot of Tequila.  The two year old asks for a Sprite, light ice, extra cherries.  The bartender looks over at the mom, anticipating her request.  

"Wait, what?  Someone is actually going to wait on me??  She asked in disbelief.  

[Joke ends here due to excessive fictional content.]

"Balancing it all" is a misleading phrase if you ask me.  It sounds like having to keep a promise you didn't know you were making.  If life is a juggling act, then some balls are gonna fall.  There are baby steps some days and giant leaps on others.  Besides--juggling acts aren't all they're cracked up to be.  (Think swords and anything on fire).

This being said, here are my life adjustments inspired by living with a 2 year old. 

New Rules For 2

• Knowing you don't have to keep everything.  Seriously, when you get the itch, just pitch.

 

• Filtering out scrutiny.  As much as needed.  And ignoring dirty looks.  Oh, no she didn't.  The nerve!

• Just buy more paper towels.

• Allowing yourself room to step back and watch.  Many others have done this before. 

• Being flexible and then some.  Switching gears easily is a skill no sane parent is without.  It's kind of like having required Adult ADD.  Just go with it. 

• Reminding yourself that dinner doesn't have to be cooked by you every night.  That's what pizza and take-out numbers are there for.

• Just buy more wine.  Or have it delivered too.

• Realizing that even though you took the time to make and serve vegetables, don't do your victory dance just yet.  If they lay there, cold and dejected on the plate, count that as a win next to having them cold and dejected on the floor.

• Knowing that hurry up and go to sleep cause it's starting ALLLLLL over in a few hours.

• Just buy more band-aids.

• Learning to accept that word "no."  It will be thrust at you 24/7 for the next several months.

• Understanding that "crazy" has a new meaning now.  Like, 5 years ago, you may have thought that your neighbors or Black Friday was crazy.  Now, it's that you have to lock the door and hide in the bathroom just to be able to go pee by yourself. 

• Just buy more M&Ms.

• And finding that time for a date night so that you can temporarily step back into the grown up world and remember why you got on this ride to begin with.

The Back Page #15: Every Day Random Observances (With Help From Jimmy Fallon)

• Any side dish ending in the word "salad" but not containing actual lettuce probably isn't gonna get you into those tight pants.  How's that for irony? 
  

• Dear Mr. Potato Head, I feel like some sort of creepy voodoo master whenever we get together.  Look, I know you've been through a lot at our house, and for any surreptitious pokes in the wrong places, we're all truly sorry.  On a side note, it's almost time for a new season of "Botched" and I'll do my best to ensure they have an opening for you, Spud Man.  Your friend, Karen.

• Some days I think parenting should just be done from a church pew all day long so that no matter what you did or did not accomplish, you would still get an "Amen!"
  

• When someone I know is having a baby, I don't even bother looking at the gift registry.  I just order up a pallet of paper towels and call it a day. 

• I just googled "precise location of the 'Black Forest' I always read about in recipe books."  (You know, the really delicious sounding forest, home of the ham and chocolate cakes.)  I would like to set up camp there.  I'm leaving right now for a change of address postcard.

• Always try your very best, you never know where you'll find success.  Take Solo for example,  the paper products company.  One day you're handling a sleeve of cups, then Starbucks comes along and, BOOM you've hit the big time.  Instant stardom.
  

• THIS is Jeopardy!

Hope you are all having a fabulous summer! 

 

The Last Word

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

The Fault In Our Stars

It was a highly talked about book, made into an even more highly talked about (and swooned over) movie.  I took Kayleigh to see it the other night, and we were prepared--with candy and snacks--but NOT prepared with the appropriate amount of tissues necessary to catch our tears.  It was quite the emotional journey. 

So to help distract my mind from the weight of the film, I started thinking about stars.  And why they were getting blamed for stuff.  I mean, there are probably other things out there just as much at fault and worthy of examination.  Like...

Next time I talk to John Green, I'm taking inspiration from Hazel Grace and asking him, 'what happens after the stars served their punishment?'  And 'did they go back with their original clusters or just find new constellations altogether?'  I'll see what he says and get back to you.  

Same Teacher, Different Classroom

I've been asked many times before, in years past and even now, and it's always the same question: 

Do you ever miss teaching?  Do you miss being at school? 

Friends, family, former colleagues, you name it.  Anyone who knows me and knows the educational path I pursued wants to know if I ever feel understimulated, bored, or displaced because I am not "practicing my craft."  And do I sense that I'm not doing what I was meant to do? 

This is my answer.

I don't miss teaching because it has never left me.  The classroom I report to every day is my home, my workplace, and my world with my family and my children.  Each day, they are my students and they are also my teachers.  I still make lesson plans and to-do lists--and I still don't finish them.  I am stocked with paper, pencils, books, crayons, grilled cheese sandwiches, and anything else that could ever be classified as an instrument of learning. 

I teach music and dance as we sing If You're Happy and You Know It and Head Shoulders Knees and Toes for the 11th time in one morning. 

I coach P.E. as we run outside chasing balls and butterflies, or swing upside down on a bar.  And then again in the afternoon while we're picking up knocked over trash cans and building obstacle courses out of family room furniture. 

I teach art while we color pictures of Mickey Mouse, and then patiently exhale and agree that yes--blue crayon on a yellow table does, in fact, make green. 

Fine motor skills are practiced when we construct itsy bitsy spiders out of paper plates, or when we make Patty the Pig puppets out of felt. 

I teach math as we count the blocks we stack.  And as we eat each Goldfish cracker, we practice our numbers backwards.  We count kisses, add laughter, multiply messes, divide laundry, and subtract vanilla wafers from the box.  It's a unique order of operations over here.

I teach reading and language almost every waking moment of our day.  And it is the cornerstone of how we say and show each other that we love one another.  While reading books together, we laugh and we also cry (I'm sure you're familiar with this gosh darn tear jerker.)

Seriously, every. single. time.

I teach science when we observe water boiling or demonstrate the effects of helium on the human voice.  I teach about changes in matter, like the solid food I served him for dinner greeting me again at the end of its digestive journey.  And then once more when day surrenders to night and our sky is freckled with a million stars.  One of which is named after our son, thank you Aunt Michele and Uncle Rik!

I teach social studies wherever we go, as we learn about people who are like us and those who are different.  A shopping mall is a perfect place to study culture and societal norms, don't you think?    

The best thing about being a teacher then was that I always benefited from learning myself.  And it's still the same now.  I'm always trying to figure out how to solve some sort of puzzle.  And some days I feel like I'm nailing it, while others have me searching in the Lost and Found for my mind. 

But if there's one thing I'd like to pass on to my own kids, it is that you will always be learning, so learn to be okay with being a perpetual beginner.  For once you are an expert, it's time to move on and find something new to learn again.  Like a Lift-the-Flap book, there's always another surprise ahead of you.  Except if Jackson already tore the flap off, in which case--then you saw it coming.  

The last thing Jackie says in this video is "more."  And that could not make me happier.  I love that he craves knowledge and learning as much as I do.  And every day that I'm able, I will give more.   

I will always be a teacher.  I feel like it's just a part of who I am.  And who knows, maybe one day I'll be back in the classroom.  But for now, I am enjoying this part of my life.  And I cannot think of a better way to utilize my skills, my energy, and my passion than that which comes from being a mom.

5 Steps to a Fast and Easy Mama Makeover

Are you still feeling sluggish after eradicating your home of all the Easter Candy?  Do you need a little relaxation and pampering?  Are you long overdue for some alone time, but just too busy and on a tight budget?  You've come to the right place. 

If you're like me, squeezing in the time for a little self therapy (surely she's joking...) proves to be quite the challenge.  There's not enough time.  I can't afford it.  What about the kids?  The kids are always messing with my relaxation plans. 

Well, fear not.  Here are your 5 steps to a fast and easy "Mama Makeover."  This special treatment can be enjoyed right in your own home.  And it comes to you just in time for Mother's Day.

Mama Makeover Menu

Body Wrap
What better way to give you that slimmed down look while also eliminating one of the most dreaded laundry chores--folding fitted sheets.  Simply take 2-3 sheets, and wrap them around your body, securing the elastic corners with a clothespin.  Explain to your family that for the full effect, you must leave this on all day.  With limited use of your legs, and no use of your hands, family members are left to handle the housework, coordinate dinner, and reward you with spoonfuls of ice cream.    

Foot Soak and Pedicure
Did your baby knock over the dog's water bowl again?  Great!  It's time to fill it up with hot water and let your feet get treated to some therapeutic soaking.  Upon exiting the bowl, make your way outside to your child's sandbox.  Take a leisurely walk in the sand, making sure to dodge any shovels, rocks, or cat poop.  A wonderful and inexpensive way to naturally exfoliate! 

Eyebrow Lift
All you have to do for this treatment is to simply see something surprising.  If you have husbands or toddlers in your home, you'll be treated to the VIP package here because surprises are always popping up on a revolving basis with these folks.

Facial Peel/Pore Treatment
Position a 2 year old in his high chair.  Once he is finished eating, allow him to start feeding you.  Using a mixture of home ingredients, let your toddler smear it onto your face.  I assure you, he won't miss a spot.  You can try heavy cream, cottage cheese, honey, a smashed banana, or oatmeal.  This often works very well in conjunction with the eyebrow lift. 

Massage
Lie down on the floor and allow a 30 lb toddler to use you as a jungle gym.

Last but not least, if you can't get to your day spa this Mother's Day, just... 

Courtesy of Target Cards

Disorderly Conduct--And New Methods To Cope

These are not your ordinary consequences.  They're not your standard groundings or typical time outs. We're not sure if washing the mouth out with soap is even effective.  I have tasted Palmolive.  It's not about to become a sno-cone flavor.

(Hey, technically/grammatically speaking, shouldn't it be "times out?")

 


I'm not an expert on discipline.  But I do know that sometimes, us moms must resort to some pretty unconventional methods to drive home the point that parents are boss.* 

*Actually, we are more like the "Undercover Boss"--hardly recognized and seldom taken seriously.

Here are 5 of parents' most often reported complaints, and the non-traditional (but still amazingly effective) consequences.  Tested and proven.  Okay, not tested OR proven, but I'm sure they'll be featured in Parent's Magazine sometime this year.

1.The Messy Situation
Do you live with a Messy Marvin?  The rude dudes who leave their dirty dishes at the table and despite all of your nagging, never pick up after themselves?

• Take the dishes and go "set the table" in their bed.  Tell them you're having a dinner picnic tonight--in their room.  What a great opportunity for some rare one-on-one time.  And later, when it's time to "clear the bed," offer to help, remarking how nice it is when family members work together to manage the chores.  Leading by example?  I think yes. 
• Collect all pairs of abandoned dirty socks and place them in their backpack.  Wait 6-12 hours for best results.    
• For poor manners or gross eating habits, record your darling in action.  Then offer to update their social media status with some of their best "never before seen" footage.

2.Absent Minded/Irresponsible
They forgot their lunch for the 8th time in 2 weeks. 

• Transfer your sweetie's lunch contents to his Mickey Mouse lunch box from 1st grade, and show up to school dressed as Ronald McDonald.  Do a little tap dance and a cheer as you hand over the forgotten fare.  A kiss on the cheek and a "see you at home!" send-off, and that oughta do the trick.

3.Tattle-tailing
"Mommmmm!!!!!"

• This is where "CopyCat" comes in really handy.  As they start squealing each other's offenses, begin mimicking back exactly what they say, making sure you cut them off each time they start again.  They hate this.  They don't like to be beaten at their own game.  *This may seem juvenile, but it's sort of genius.  You CAN fight fire with fire.  

4.Distracted/"Playing Dumb"
When you ask them to do something, they never seem to hear you.  When they do hear you, they then don't remember.  It's a terribly vicious cycle. 

• Next time they want to go to a party, or as they call it "just hang out with my friends," allow them to plan the whole thing down to every detail.  Listen intently, grab your memo pad, and even take notes.  Nod your head.  Assure them that you ARE in fact paying attention.  Then, when party time rolls around, go get your phone, start playing with all the buttons, download 4 new apps, and then look up at them with a blank stare and say, "Wait, what are you talking about?  I don't remember ever having a conversation about a party tomorrow night.  Oops, sorry.  But look at this tweet I just posted.  You're gonna love it."   

5.Case of the Potty Mouth
You could try the Palmolive.  Or you could form a joke and dialogue club.  Tell them this one.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.  "I think it's about time we started cussing."  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.  The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with the word ass."  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Now it's time for discussion.  Ask your children, "Kids, what did we learn from the mother in this story?" 

*Keeping It Real*
Of course, this post is intended for humor only, and I do not actually condone these methods. 

Even though I'm pretty sure Purgatory is actually a teenager's room. 

But in a world where we are surrounded by oversocial media, parents can feel pressure to document every little inspiring thing our children do.  If you're anything like me, you just can't keep up with all of that. 

The good news is (she has good news??), I really think parents are supposed to forget stuff. 

No mom would want to remember everylittlething that happens.  Because along with the really great camera-worthy occasions, come the ugly, eyebrow-raising, tsk-tsk moments too.  After all, the first 3 letters in "moment" are "mom."  Think about it.  We're there for the good, the bad, and the really really bad.  When you balance all of it out, they turn out all right in the end. 

Do you have methods that are working great in your home?  Please share your ideas in the comments and let there be peace on Earth.        

The Back Page #14: Let the Spirit Move You. (As in, pack up, He rented you a car.)

• If a Muppet received The Clapper as a gift, he'd have to take it back because, what's the point?

• Dining out with a toddler.  When it's NOT about the journey--just get me to the destination.   

CHECK PLEASE!

 

• "What I don't know won't hurt me."  (But something tells me it's probably going to hurt YOU a little bit, eventually...when I do know.)

• Did you know that juice boxes have training wheels?  Yes, they're called bath tubs.

• When we said our vows, I probably should have looked more in to the "write your own" option.  And then considerately offered to write both sets so that his would read like this. 

• There's something about plain m&ms that I just didn't appreciate enough as a kid.  But as a Mom, see, I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.  Whether they're for potty training, practicing numbers and colors, or to use in a bake sale, any good mom knows m&ms are an essential part of the learning and development process, and no home should be without.   

• If you make the mommy angry one too many times, she'll take you through HER Stations of the "Cross."

 

• If the verses of the Name Game actually led to real life events... 
• Lucky Gigi gets to vacation in Fiji.
• I'm glad I'm not Daddy cause he rhymes with Fatty.
• Happy Mama gets the same paycheck as Obama.
• And Chuck?  Well, he's just out of luck.

Our Spring Break Carnival Cruise

Wait, what?  They went on a cruise?

No. What I meant to say was Carnival Cruis-ing. It's like a Carnival Cruise, except there's no water, no huge boat, no snorkeling, no weird hypnotist shows, and no all-inclusive food bar. 

We became traveling carnival junkies.

(Did she really just confess this??)

Yes. Carnivals.  No passport, no tons of planning, and no overpacking.  Because keepin' it simple.

Arizona has lots to offer this time of year.  From baseball spring training to music and food festivals, there's plenty to see and do, and it's all going on outdoors.  The weather is PARADISE. 

We started out at the Arizona Ostrich Festival in Chandler.  Kayleigh got to meet Peyton List, star of the Disney Channel show Jessie.  Jackie got to play with some orange cones, and was ecstatic when he found an abandoned bag of kettle corn.   

They both gave it two thumbs up.

Then we "cruised" on over to the Superstition Springs Carnival, where we were greeted with a cool breeze, no waiting for rides, and plenty of games to play. 

I don't know when carnival games became $5-10 dollars a pop, but don't worry.  The game booth workers are waiting to graciously compensate you with a stroller full of new inflatables, plush animals, and toilet-bound goldfish for your car ride home. 

We had a great time this week.  Hopefully, the warm weather will linger as long as possible before turning into the desert inferno called summer in Arizona.

Did you do something fun for spring break?  If you're interested in accompanying us on our next Carnival "Cruise," we'd be happy to take you along!