Disorderly Conduct--And New Methods To Cope

These are not your ordinary consequences.  They're not your standard groundings or typical time outs. We're not sure if washing the mouth out with soap is even effective.  I have tasted Palmolive.  It's not about to become a sno-cone flavor.

(Hey, technically/grammatically speaking, shouldn't it be "times out?")

 


I'm not an expert on discipline.  But I do know that sometimes, us moms must resort to some pretty unconventional methods to drive home the point that parents are boss.* 

*Actually, we are more like the "Undercover Boss"--hardly recognized and seldom taken seriously.

Here are 5 of parents' most often reported complaints, and the non-traditional (but still amazingly effective) consequences.  Tested and proven.  Okay, not tested OR proven, but I'm sure they'll be featured in Parent's Magazine sometime this year.

1.The Messy Situation
Do you live with a Messy Marvin?  The rude dudes who leave their dirty dishes at the table and despite all of your nagging, never pick up after themselves?

• Take the dishes and go "set the table" in their bed.  Tell them you're having a dinner picnic tonight--in their room.  What a great opportunity for some rare one-on-one time.  And later, when it's time to "clear the bed," offer to help, remarking how nice it is when family members work together to manage the chores.  Leading by example?  I think yes. 
• Collect all pairs of abandoned dirty socks and place them in their backpack.  Wait 6-12 hours for best results.    
• For poor manners or gross eating habits, record your darling in action.  Then offer to update their social media status with some of their best "never before seen" footage.

2.Absent Minded/Irresponsible
They forgot their lunch for the 8th time in 2 weeks. 

• Transfer your sweetie's lunch contents to his Mickey Mouse lunch box from 1st grade, and show up to school dressed as Ronald McDonald.  Do a little tap dance and a cheer as you hand over the forgotten fare.  A kiss on the cheek and a "see you at home!" send-off, and that oughta do the trick.

3.Tattle-tailing
"Mommmmm!!!!!"

• This is where "CopyCat" comes in really handy.  As they start squealing each other's offenses, begin mimicking back exactly what they say, making sure you cut them off each time they start again.  They hate this.  They don't like to be beaten at their own game.  *This may seem juvenile, but it's sort of genius.  You CAN fight fire with fire.  

4.Distracted/"Playing Dumb"
When you ask them to do something, they never seem to hear you.  When they do hear you, they then don't remember.  It's a terribly vicious cycle. 

• Next time they want to go to a party, or as they call it "just hang out with my friends," allow them to plan the whole thing down to every detail.  Listen intently, grab your memo pad, and even take notes.  Nod your head.  Assure them that you ARE in fact paying attention.  Then, when party time rolls around, go get your phone, start playing with all the buttons, download 4 new apps, and then look up at them with a blank stare and say, "Wait, what are you talking about?  I don't remember ever having a conversation about a party tomorrow night.  Oops, sorry.  But look at this tweet I just posted.  You're gonna love it."   

5.Case of the Potty Mouth
You could try the Palmolive.  Or you could form a joke and dialogue club.  Tell them this one.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.  "I think it's about time we started cussing."  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.  The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with the word ass."  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Now it's time for discussion.  Ask your children, "Kids, what did we learn from the mother in this story?" 

*Keeping It Real*
Of course, this post is intended for humor only, and I do not actually condone these methods. 

Even though I'm pretty sure Purgatory is actually a teenager's room. 

But in a world where we are surrounded by oversocial media, parents can feel pressure to document every little inspiring thing our children do.  If you're anything like me, you just can't keep up with all of that. 

The good news is (she has good news??), I really think parents are supposed to forget stuff. 

No mom would want to remember everylittlething that happens.  Because along with the really great camera-worthy occasions, come the ugly, eyebrow-raising, tsk-tsk moments too.  After all, the first 3 letters in "moment" are "mom."  Think about it.  We're there for the good, the bad, and the really really bad.  When you balance all of it out, they turn out all right in the end. 

Do you have methods that are working great in your home?  Please share your ideas in the comments and let there be peace on Earth.