The Back Page #2: Truth is Marching On

• I was going to buy myself a new wallet the other day, but then reconsidered it when reviewing the contents of my purse: calendar that's on the week of February 2, baby wipes, a bobby pin, straw wrappers, a binkie, and no actual money.  Hmm.  I guess my current wallet--a rubber band--is working out just fine.   

• I can't help it that most days, there's a man or woman in a green apron who wants to take my $4.00 and give me a present wrapped in a cup.  It would be rude of me not to take it.

• Have you ever given a gift to someone with the sole purpose of being able to use that gift yourself?  I'm not going to lie about this. I have.  And man, it's the best.

• Having a baby is like having a surprise Scentsy.*  Pamper Pleasures, Desitin Dream, and Midnight Milkstain are popular fragrances in our home.

• I'm so glad that some smart business people decided to open Once Upon A Child resale stores.  It prevented me from renting a dump truck and just hauling all sorts of stuff down to the local pawn.  Yeah, how much for this never-been-used box of breast pads?   

• Preventing Foot in Mouth Syndrome
  WE HAVE ALL HAD THIS HAPPEN TO US AT LEAST ONCE.  Though the Golden Rule is adorably sweet and precious in theory, when you actually say this Mary Poppins pledge aloud, it does sound a little smarty pants know-it-all, doesn't it?  I happen to prefer this inexpensive, alternative natural remedy. When someone makes a slightly off-color remark or you're just not sure how to answer a really dumbass question, simply take a tablespoonful of this special ointment and place it on your tongue. You'll love that this product works instantly, preventing you from doing anything but shrugging your shoulders until your boiled pot has had a chance to simmer.  Plus it's delicious and packed with protein.

• Jackie and I are here to tell you that the ancient art of bartering is still alive, well, and fully operative on every return trip home from the grocery store...fine, you can have the bread, toilet paper, and Goldfish, but I'm taking the eggs, the spaghetti sauce, and the sweet potato fries.

• I haven't seen a movie in months so this year's Oscars seemed like a foreign language to me.  But wasn't it great how they used orchestral Jaws music to cue blabbery actors to wrap up the thankyous and get your glittery butt off the stage now?

• When you have the choice, always take the taller of the two drinking fountains.

• There's nothing quite as exhilarating as driving down the highway and seeing beautiful snow-capped mountains off in the distance. Except when you glance at the driver of the car next to you and you see a 78-year old woman who's also spotted the mountains, and she's got her camera out and is taking panoramic pictures and uploading them to her facebook page. Switching lanes now. 

• Do you have your cell phone next to you?  Do you like it?  Good.  Okay, now notice where all your apps are and locate your contacts and everything else that's important.  Great.  Now go ahead and memorize everything you see because, similar to a carjacking, once you get it back from tiny hands, it will be stripped for parts and you won't recognize it anymore.

• I, Mama, take you, Jackie, and promise to love you, drool and all, through sickness and health, in good times and in bad, til death--or teething--do us part.  All the days of my life. 

 

• After an afternoon of outdoor shopping, we were at our last store when Jackson scared an elderly lady in a scooter chair by growling at her as we passed by. She jumped up and exclaimed, "OH MY! LET ME GET OUT OF YOUR WAY!" I apologized that my baby had startled her. After Jackie began laughing maniacally, we just put all hands on deck and headed for the car.  Jackie needed a diaper change, and I needed to unpack and re-situate because I was starting to get looks from other shoppers and passersby.  I realize now they were pity looks and they probably felt sorry for me--the pack mule heading out for a long voyage.

Clipart Sources:

http://www.news.starbucks.com
http://www.ictcool.com

 

CrackerJack is 8 Months!

Today is a mixed bag of congratulations and celebrations. 

My beautiful cousin Heather and her husband Chris just welcomed their first baby, a boy named Logan.  A big congrats to the family!  We can't wait to meet the new addition and the next cutie pie in this recent boy wave we've been riding in our family! 

I've done the math several times now, but I still can't believe Jackie is 8 months old today!  Never before have I felt such a time warp as I have being a mama.  The sun rose and set 240 times, and here we are.  What do we have to show for it?  Many more piles of stuff, fewer brain cells, and a healthy happy 8 month old.  We must be doin' somethin' right.  Here he is...the man behind the bib. 

Some pictures are blurry.  Sorry bout that.  I didn't say photography was my strong suit. 
Plus, it is very challenging getting him to sit still for a picture.  It's like trying to cradle a wet seal. 

Discovering Clementines

Jackie's cousin, little JJ bug, turns 2 years old today! Happy Birthday to Jadyn Olivia, aka lil' bottle of hot sauce!  Jackie can't wait to see you this summer when he turns 1. We love you!!

Diary of a Not-So Wimpy Kid

We try to stay active around here.  Exercise is great for the body and the mind, yes?  And there's no time to be lazy when you have a very active baby. 

Very active and did I mention very strong?  I'm talkin' ogre strength  (He crushes plastic cups for a hobby).  Seriously, it's a wonder I still have all of my fingernails and facial features.   

But anyway, grab your racket and your shuttlecock (I just wanted to say that) and come join us on the move!

Here is our personal trainer, Sportacus.
He comes on the PBS Sprout channel every day so we don't even have to shell out crazy dough.  We work out on a budget here.

We stretch and try different yoga positions.

(Yoga of the "birthday suit" variety not recommended for participants over 12 months of age) 

We lift weights.  Well, some of us ARE the weights around here.

We play games. 

 

 

Yes, my baby ENJOYS having a plush football tossed into his forehead.  I TELL you, this kid is a little ruffian.  And then it's on to my favorite part.  The cool down. 

Relaxing is a form of mental exercise, you know. 

"I'm in good shape.  Round is a shape, right?"

 

 

Clipart Sources:

http://www.flickr.com
http://www.picasaweb.google.com
http://www.take5moment.com

The Back Page (1st Edition)

The back page of the church bulletin.  Does anybody really read it?  Well, that was always my favorite part to read on the car ride home.  After a long sermon, many "amens," and lots of kneeling, one can appreciate the brevity of this page.  The only things you find there are pictures, advertisements, and little blurbs. 

 

Welcome to my life.  One endless series of little blurbs.  Thoughts are born, live a very short life, and then pass on to a better place.  And thanks be to God.   

 

And so here is the back page of my bulletin for today.   

• When I was little, I used to have trouble with that whole "who's your hero?" question.  I didn't know it took becoming a mom to figure that all out.  He lives in a pineapple under the sea.  (He makes my baby smile and that's good enough for me.)

• The best way to get orange and yellow stains out of a white shirt is to throw it away.  Gone.

• I really love my husband's original musical composition entitled "I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans."  We're still waiting to hear back from the producers of Glee.  I'm sure those cute kids would nail that in a performance.

• I'm okay with wearing black pants.  Every day.  For the rest of my life.

• Never feed your baby peaches right before you have to go to a funeral.  You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

• It's great that babies love repetition.  We have one Baby Einstein dvd.  It has taken 346 trips down the River of Viewing Dreams.  Jackie watches each one like it's the maiden voyage.

• I've heard of people losing track of their keys.  Or a recipe.  I'm pretty sure I've lost track of my social life and the last 8 months.  Now where did they go?

• If I could choose one Disney character to come and live with us, right now it's a tie between Cinderella (before her days of servitude "magically" ended)--I could really use your help over here, honey.  And the Sorcerer's Apprentice--although he may be a little under skilled and has a tendency to bite off way more than he can chew, I see the potential there and I like the way this mouse thinks. 

• I think we officially have the right to be late to anything we want for like the next 4 years.

 

• When making a decision on which new couch will look best in your living room, make sure you picture the grape popcicle, cheeto smudges, and regurgitated milk on it.  Does it match?  If so, pack that puppy up!

• You know what's so cool about those little odor neutralizers that go in the diaper pail to keep it from smelling bad?  Nothing.  They don't work.  And neither do suction cups.

• You should have seen the look on that grocery store bagger's face when after he asked me if I'd like help to my car, I responded, "yes, please, and then could you also hop in, come back to my place, put everything away, make us some root beer floats, and then play with my baby while I go take a nap?"

The Wheels on the 'Crazy' Bus [and other popular tunes]

 

 

We don't have a jukebox.  We have 37 other music-playing apparatuses that pump out happy jams all day long.  Many times, after hearing them over and over, the lyrics get rewritten or the subject matter to which we are referring shifts a little "off" of center.  You may want to consider some of these for your next campfire singalong. 

A Sharing Song

• The more we pour together, together, together, the more we pour together, the happier we'll be.  There's your glass, where's MY glass, please get up off YOUR ass.  The more we pour together the happier we'll be.

A Pointing Song

• Head, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes).  Pain and soreness only grows (only grows). I-bu-pro-fen, where'd you go?  Head, shoulders, knees, and toes (knees and toes).

A can-be-sung-in-a-round song

• Are You Sleeping? Are you sleeping? No not yet. No not yet.  Good, then do the dishes, then go fold the laundry, don't forget, don't forget.

A Hopes and Dreams Song

• There was a mother had a wish, and Lotto was his name-o, L-o-t-t-o, l-o-t-t-o, l-o-t-t-o, yes, Lotto was his name-o!

A Counting Song

• This old mom, she had one, had one baby now we're done, with a knick-knack paddy-whack, I'm turning off my phone, this old mom is staying home. 

Jackson's current favorite song is Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble."  He loves when Kayleigh sings it to him. 

 

Shh...I Can't Hear the Voice in my Head!

You know that inner voice that speaks to you?

 

No, not that voice.  The one that just randomly comments on things.

No, you don't have that?  It's just me?  Ok then.  That's cool.

 

Awkward. 

Anywaaaay.  This clamorous voice inside my head and I?  We have a constant running mental dialogue.  If someone were to give me a penny for each thought, I'd set up a private island and be sure to invite you all to vacation with me.  See, there it goes again.  It hallucinates sometimes too. 

I'll break it down for you. 

The state of my mental process: non-focused, slightly salty, tells-it-like-I-sees-it, continuous random thoughts. 

Here is a day in the life of my brain.

anti-aging/anti-wrinkle cream with an expiration date
Lately, my skin is feeling like you're not really up for the challenge.  I mean, I believe I'M the one with the "expiration date."  Please work harder, and don't have such strict deadlines.  We've got a lot of work to do.  No pressure.
     
expectant mother's parking spots
That's a sweet gesture, but okay--these ladies have everything intact and conveniently stowed on the INSIDE of their bodies...essentially, their own hands free luggage cart!  Where are the close-up spots for those of us with a baby, seat, drink, toys, stroller, oversized and overstuffed purse, and only half of a functioning brain that can't remember where we parked?  Where are those spots?
 
paperless books
Yes, technology is pretty amazing.  But I think that one of the most major things that made me fall in love with reading as a child were the books themselves.  Pages, illustrations, the "smell."  And besides, then what is to become of the bookmark?  So cute with the little tassels..

*happy* meals

The places you have to go to get them: crazy
The kids jumping all around you while in line: tranquilizable
The nutritional contents of the box: scary
The little plastic toy: more trashbound crap we don't need

forever stamps
Probably should be renamed, forNever stamps because we all need to take out small loans come December just to send out Christmas cards.  
   







Caillou
I'm not liking how you whine in that high pitched voice with your arms crossed and pout face on.  Your parents aren't fooling anyone.  They take happy pills.

twist tie on a bag of rice cakes
You could seal them with duct tape if you want to, but I'm pretty sure that packaging is not the issue.  They are manufactured to taste like a cardboard biscuit with just a hint of sandpaper.

looks like we (*almost*) made it
You know when you're trying to s-q-u-e-e-z-e that last little bit from a toothpaste tube, convinced that you've got one last go around in there?  I think that's how my poor jeans felt today.  Almost, but not. quite. there. 

american idol season 12
Although I am a faithful fan of this show, I just keep thinking that, while the talent pool gets better and better, the judge's panel seems to be going in a different direction. 

 

"dessert" chewing gum

This gum is supposed to taste like strawberry shortcake or chocolate mint ice cream.  It's actually just plain trickery.  Don't waste your money in curiosity.  Just stick to Altoids.  And have the brownie sundae.

paper plates with designs
Whenever I need a new pack, I try to buy a different pattern than I got the last time.  Huh??  I'm just going to throw it away.  I'm such a sucker to marketing gimmicks.

party animals?
I came across this on an end cap and had to look again.  It seems as though some fancy felines out there now have their own chex mix, and it will probably start showing up at kitty potlucks and 9-Lives Bunko Night. 

beginning credits on baby einstein dvd
I used to be like, fast forward, let's go...but then I got smart and now I just let it play.  Hey, I just scored myself 5 more minutes while Jackie waits in anticipation. 

leaky faucet
I cry at animated movies, (Land Before Time, Little Mermaid) Superbowl commercials, (the one with the horse) and whenever I see grown up boys giving their mamas hugs and kisses like it's no big deal. But it is so sweet.     

fun and games
At 7.5 months old, my baby boy has figured out that it's hilarious seeing his mama struggle to get him into the seat of his jumperoo (thank you, FISHER PRICE for making it harder than wrestling an alligator!), so he continues to twist and bend his legs like pipe cleaners and belly laughs at me while I attempt untangling him.  Then when I start laughing, he grabs for my face, hoping to get a hold of anything in an effort to throw me off kilter and then, bam--I'm on the floor huffing and puffing, and he's escaped.  A fugitive on the loose.  It's a real fun game.

parenting
I try not to compare myself to other moms when it seems like they have it so perfectly together.  Some moms can work full time, raise a family, cook every night, sew, milk cows, spin straw into gold, and sing lullabies to their little ones while playing the harp.  I am not one of them.  I am just happy to get to the end of each day and be able to exclaim, "Everyone's asleep and the house is still standing, damn we are freakin' awesome!"

assuming
When you see the car in front of you slightly weaving in and out of their lane, don't just assume that she's a bad driver or that she left happy hour a little too early.  It might just be a mom on her way to the store to buy a forgotten about last minute gift, when her baby dropped his balloon (the small kind on a stick--but this one wasn't on a stick anymore--shit, where did that stick go?) and he's screaming--like little Kevin McCallister on Home Alone when he puts the after shave on his face--because he can't reach the wayward balloon so she's bending and fumbling around back there trying to find it when she finds all sorts of other "stuff" that should have been eaten or thrown away days ago.   
Cause technically, that scenario could happen. I'm just saying, don't assume.



Clipart Sources:http://www.greenme.it
http://savingmoney.thefuntimesguide.com
http://www.freepik.com
http://sodahead.com
http://www.ign.com
http://www.lemonandlimeevent.com

Then and Now

Once I had Jackie, my perspective on life (obviously!) changed.  But what I didn't know was how much it would change.  I became a little more paranoid, sorta crunchy*, and insanely protective of who and what my baby would encounter.  But I'm not telling anyone with children anything new. 

Honestly, I think I was sort of selfish before.  Not intentionally, it's just that something as simple as ordering off a menu at a restaurant while sitting down was a luxury I took for granted.  If the waitress at Denny's were to ask me now how I'd like my eggs--hmmm, over easy, over medium...how about over a plate!  And 5 seconds to scarf them down.  That is all.

Lots of people have told me that once you have a baby, you can't remember how it was before.  That is...sort of...not true.  And kinda funny.  I can remember.  Not that it's a bad thing.  Go on ahead and push your GAME OVER *RESET* button because...welcome to a whole new mind set, rule code, and an entirely new ball game now that someone else is depending on YOU to help raise them into a decent human being.

I like to humor myself and think about the 'then and now.'  My how things have changed.  ;)

Then                                         Now
looking nice..............................making sure I don't stink
counting calories.......................counting minutes til bedtime
dirty mind.................................dirty dishes, clothes, floor, etc. [but still dirty mind ;)]
chai tea......................................"I'm a Little Tea Pot"
changing channels.....................changing diapers
anti-aging cream........................hemorrhoid cream
bookstore...................................booksnore
satellite.......................................night light
itunes..........................................this thing--------------->
trips to the mall..........................trips to the mailbox
big night out...............................Big Bird
10 minute shower.......................10 minutes til I'm asleep
digital alarm clock......................baby = alarm clock
scary movies...............................scary things in diapers
perfume on my neck...................spit-up running down my neck
sucking in....................................bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
highlights in my hair...................Highlights magazine
rated R.........................................rated tops by moms
crash diet.....................................crash, something else is broken
Book: Pregnancy for Dummies...Pamphlet: When You Think Your Family Might Be Complete
I'll do that tomorrow....................shit, it IS tomorrow
Simon Cowell..............................Simon Says
batteries for tv remote..................batteries for this thing------->
shopping bags..............................bags under my eyes
Katy Perry's "I'm Wide Awake"...Jackson Rinella is wide awake

In life and as a parent, you have to keep changing.  But that's okay. 
It's harder to hit a moving target.

I love the lyrics to this song.  It reminds me to always appreciate exactly where you are with what you have.

She was staring out the window of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby just slow down

'Cause You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says they don't bother me
I've got 2 babies of my own
One's 36, one's 23
Huh, it's hard to believe

But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

(You're Gonna Miss This
Trace Adkins)

*crunchy (sorry, I realize I'm using a term that some may not be familiar with.  Just click on the link over the word for a simple explanation).

Clipart Sources: http://squidoo.com

Valentine, Be Mine

The frenzy of flowers, the candy comas, and the little paper keepsakes containing messages that warm our hearts.  Yes, the polarizing holiday is upon us.  Basically, everyone's feelings about this heavily marketed holiday fall somewhere on the spectrum between this,

and this.

But don't worry.  No matter what your preferences are, there is an evening mix tape out there for you.


     "I Just Called to Say I Love You"
     "You're The One That I Want"                                                  
     "Just You and I"



OR

               "Love Stinks"
               "What's Love Got To Do With It?"
               "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

 

Personally, I love hearts, the color red, the feeling of being in love, and everything associated with Valentine's Day.  And did I mention chocolate?  Cause I love that too.  Damn taste buds are such deviant little devils.  So I guess that makes me a proponent of the Hallmark-endorsed, lovey dovey, I brought you flowers AND chocolate day.  Was that a hint?  NO!!!!!!!!!!

And I am extra happy because I have another sweet man in my life now.  Don't worry, Phil--you are still my #1, the love of my life, and my funny valentine, but now I have a little cupid too!  TWO men on Valentine's Day!  And they both steal my heart! 

Dear Phil,
Since Jackie was born, you've gone out of your way to make life as easy as you can for me.  You fill up the gas tank in my car every Monday morning.  You always do thoughtful things like going to the store for whatever we need, even at 3:00 am.  And you keep me smiling each day with your loving charm and sense of humor.  Thanks for being my Valentine.  I love you.

However you do the math, may your Valentine's Day add up to lots of love, 

plenty of kisses,

and hopefully nothing from this woman.  Although I'm digging the headband over mushroom cut look she has going on.

Seriously, have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

THE LAST LAUGH One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do." So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!" Sources: http://memegenerator.net http://notquitecarrie.com http://archive.feedblitz.com http://cupcakeclipart.com http://sofeminine.co.uk http://en.wikipedia.org http://jokesaboutgolf.com