The Back Page #16: The Cheese Stands Alone

• Whoever coined the phrase "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer" forgot to mention anything about the proximity of your wine glass.  Because keep that extra close, folks.

• Dr. Scholl, do you have any plans on designing a gel insert for slippers?  Cause let's face it, the high heels have retired and the gym shoes put themselves in a garage sale last year.

• The Farmer in the Dell is a nice little tune.  But I do disagree with the ending.  "The cheese stands alone?"  No.  No it doesn't.  It stands with me.  And we're making nachos.  Hi-ho the dairy-o.

• When you go to the store with your 2 year old, it's basically like playing Truth or Dare.  Like, truthfully, no--we don't really NEED to buy donuts.  But I don't dare you to take them out of his hands and put them back on the shelf.  There's definite flaw in that logic.

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?  

• I sometimes wish I had my own personal jester.  Oh wait, I DO have a jester.  "Jester minute, I can't wipe the booger off your hand until I'm finished going potty!" 

• I was informed by a random mom onlooker that allowing my toddler to use a binkie would be damaging to his future oral health.  I just leaned over to her, thanked her for her concern, and explained to her that I was pretty sure orthodontia is cheaper than psychiatry. 

The Back Page #15: Every Day Random Observances (With Help From Jimmy Fallon)

• Any side dish ending in the word "salad" but not containing actual lettuce probably isn't gonna get you into those tight pants.  How's that for irony? 
  

• Dear Mr. Potato Head, I feel like some sort of creepy voodoo master whenever we get together.  Look, I know you've been through a lot at our house, and for any surreptitious pokes in the wrong places, we're all truly sorry.  On a side note, it's almost time for a new season of "Botched" and I'll do my best to ensure they have an opening for you, Spud Man.  Your friend, Karen.

• Some days I think parenting should just be done from a church pew all day long so that no matter what you did or did not accomplish, you would still get an "Amen!"
  

• When someone I know is having a baby, I don't even bother looking at the gift registry.  I just order up a pallet of paper towels and call it a day. 

• I just googled "precise location of the 'Black Forest' I always read about in recipe books."  (You know, the really delicious sounding forest, home of the ham and chocolate cakes.)  I would like to set up camp there.  I'm leaving right now for a change of address postcard.

• Always try your very best, you never know where you'll find success.  Take Solo for example,  the paper products company.  One day you're handling a sleeve of cups, then Starbucks comes along and, BOOM you've hit the big time.  Instant stardom.
  

• THIS is Jeopardy!

Hope you are all having a fabulous summer! 

 

The Last Word

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

The Back Page #14: Let the Spirit Move You. (As in, pack up, He rented you a car.)

• If a Muppet received The Clapper as a gift, he'd have to take it back because, what's the point?

• Dining out with a toddler.  When it's NOT about the journey--just get me to the destination.   

CHECK PLEASE!

 

• "What I don't know won't hurt me."  (But something tells me it's probably going to hurt YOU a little bit, eventually...when I do know.)

• Did you know that juice boxes have training wheels?  Yes, they're called bath tubs.

• When we said our vows, I probably should have looked more in to the "write your own" option.  And then considerately offered to write both sets so that his would read like this. 

• There's something about plain m&ms that I just didn't appreciate enough as a kid.  But as a Mom, see, I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.  Whether they're for potty training, practicing numbers and colors, or to use in a bake sale, any good mom knows m&ms are an essential part of the learning and development process, and no home should be without.   

• If you make the mommy angry one too many times, she'll take you through HER Stations of the "Cross."

 

• If the verses of the Name Game actually led to real life events... 
• Lucky Gigi gets to vacation in Fiji.
• I'm glad I'm not Daddy cause he rhymes with Fatty.
• Happy Mama gets the same paycheck as Obama.
• And Chuck?  Well, he's just out of luck.

The Back Page #13: The Glass Half Full

Remembering to see the teeny tiny silver lining in every oversized and unwelcome rain cloud.

• When the toilet overflows, it gives you a chance to do an impromptu cleaning of the bathroom, including towel-mopping the floor, finally tossing old magazines, and permanently throwing out the scale.

• When school is canceled for the 8th time this winter, just promote your extra help.  Tell them you have openings in: head chef, massage therapist, dishwashing patrol, and vacuuming consultant.

• When you finish the whole bag of pizza rolls and you have an acid meteor burning a hole through your stomach, just remember that purging the house of junk food is a very important precursor to any diet.

• When your toddler strips down in public, remember that we really shouldn't let our inhibitions hinder us from making a bold statement.

• When your emotions don't stay in check anymore and crying leads your eyes to get puffy, it's a great day to schedule that long overdue facial.

• When you pull out all the stops while attempting craft-making with your child only to have the finished product destroyed, it gives you a good idea how the cafeteria ladies feel when they scoop all that "food" on each tray, knowing 80% of it will wind up in the wastebasket.

• When you can never finish watching a television show without falling asleep, be happy that you don't suffer from insomnia.

• When you don't get the joke or you're slow to follow the story, just say, "Parts of my brain just don't function anymore due to raising children.  They must have deleted all my 'personal' files."

• When you have a really long and daunting "to-do" list, just be thankful that it isn't a "to-glue" list.  Cause I've heard those are even harder to tackle. #brokenthingsareeverywhereinmyhouse
  
  

• When the store's buy one get one free sale ended the day before your visit, tell them you are thinking of letting your toddler out of his stroller to just browse and assist you in finding a really good deal.  They will extend the sale one more day just for you.  Aren't you lucky?

 

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,

keep on the sunny side of life,

It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way,

if we keep on the sunny side of life.

The Back Page #12: Christmas Edition

• It's easy to let the extra joy and merriment of the holidays lead you to strike up casual chitchat with strangers.  But be careful--it can backfire.  Like asking someone if the sweater they're wearing is for an Ugly Sweater Party tonight.  Cause when they say "no," this is the moment you run away.

• Sleigh bells ring are you listenin', can't feel my toes, are they frost-bitten?  We went to see lights, but it's freezing tonight, cussin' in a winter wonderland.

• It's too bad someone didn't just explain the concept of layaway to this well-known felon.  He could have saved himself the permanent record, and had it all paid it off by Easter.  

   

• My grocery store list has a whole new category this month: "Things I Can Spike With Booze."

• NEW RULE: I before E, except after C, and breath mints before mistletoe as in "ho ho HO, my goodness, did you have garlic soup with onion toast for dinner?"   

• Product/Gift Review: The Diaper Wipe Warmer.  When winter weather makes you shiver, here's a great gift for the great gift-giver!  No more cold wipes and wiggling for you, it's sure to keep them comfortable for #1 or #2! 



• The winter Olympics always have me wishing I could ice skate.  Cause, what better way to break both my arms than in tan fish nets and sparkly briefs? 

• Mary: (to Joseph)  Oh holy NIGHT, this barn smells putrid!  Where are the Glade Plug-ins we bought?  And one more thing--I don't intend to spend one more sleep on this hay pile.  We're going to Bed Bath and Beyond right after dinner.  This Stable Collection we've been using is over 2000 years old, and Jesus wants some manger sheets with a higher thread count.

• I have received no less than than half a dozen catalogs in the mail with samples & instructions on how to pick out and order Christmas greeting cards.  So I did what any budget-wise shopper would do.  I cut each one out, signed our names, and sent them to family and friends.  Do you think anyone will notice?

• Tree topper choice: angel or star?  What do you use?  Is it the same thing you had on your family tree growing up?  Let's weigh in on this important decision.  One, a potential weapon equipped with 5 sharp points, the other--a foreboding figure moving in creepy slow motion and staring at you all night while casting eerie shadows on the ceiling.  Take your pick.

 

• If you were not satisfied with your service today, please take a moment and fill out the brief survey at the bottom of your receipt.  And by the time you've finished inputting the 147-digit number, you'll forget all about your experience anyway!  Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la!

• Dear Everyone who gives a care on Christmas Eve, It really is all about the milk and cookies.  So please don't forget.  And also, how's about the real marshmallows in my hot chocolate this time?  The dehydrated ones from the cereal box just ain't cuttin' it.  Love, Santa

May your days be merry and bright! 

Kayleigh, 13
Jackson, 18 months



This is my Christmas Spirit face.

The Back Page #11: What's the Word?

• If carrot cake and zucchini bread count as vegetable servings, then yes!  I'm all done for the day.

• When you try and do stuff too close up, often times you'll make irreparable mistakes.  Like using a 10x mirror to pluck your eyebrows and then having to color them back on with a Crayola washable marker.  My advice?  Stand back a little farther from the mirror when critiquing yourself.  Cause, it's not as bad as you think.  Really.

• "Time makes you bolder, children get older.  I'm getting older too."  Man, lyrics don't lie.

• Dear "Geez," I'm very sorry.  My whole life I thought your middle name was Louise.  My bad.

• I am so happy to let you in on a great tip.  You know when you put on a black shirt AFTER you've applied your deodorant and you're left with white streaks even though you KNOW you bought clear invisible solid?  Baby wipes.  They get it out better than anything!  You're welcome.

• Answer me this: If like, 98% of our country can agree on the whole Santa Claus plan, how come we can't just agree on a health plan?  C'mon, America.  Let's get it right for our kids.

• I was recently contacted by amazon.com.  It seems they were concerned after viewing my order history.  They thought someone (16 month old with a credit card?) had hacked in to my account because my cart failed to check out anything other than plush, singalong cds, or board books in the last 12 months.

• I've seen commercials for that BB cream on tv.  And now I noticed they came out with the CC version.  I think I'll just wait for the ZZ batch.  Hopefully by then, they got it right.  I'm gonna need the whole alphabet for my face.

• I pulled over when I saw a woman struggling on the edge of the sidewalk.  She had to have been in her late 60s, early 70s, and she was carrying two large grocery bags while sporting a sequin visor and pink polyester pants with the heavy crease down the front (If Halloween hadn't already passed, I would promise you that this was Maxine from Shoebox Greetings dressed for a throw down).  I asked her if she needed a ride or some help with the load.  I looked down at her bags and did a double take.  Wine, vodka, and two bottles of Scotch.  Alright, Maxine!!  She assured me that her ride (Frank in a souped up golf cart) was just across the parking lot, but thanked me anyway.  Guys, you should know that I then spotted Frank.  Frank couldn't have been a day over 45.  I'm thinking maybe it was her son.  But if not...well then, Maxine, cheers to you, girl!

• I will send you off on a happy weekend with a little recap of the words Jackson can say.

The Back Page #10: Life Lately

 

• I'm convinced that somewhere inside my refrigerator lives a small obsessive troll who keeps moving the Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies to the front and insists on hiding the celery.  And you know what they say... Really, you shouldn't argue with fridge trolls.   

• And on the 9th day, God created dirt.  And He said, "Dirt, go forth and multiply."  And so that is what I'm doing over here.  Carrying out God's plan.

• When I was little, I played games just like any other kid.  But from my unsteady hand in Pick Up Sticks, to the intense buzzing sound in Operation, and of course, the dismemberment of a one Mrs. Potato Head, I sort of knew that being a surgeon was not in my future.

• I give up easily when it comes to bath time.  Not being the one armored with an elephant's lung capacity, a "musical" recorder, AND a squirt gun, I am only too happy to surrender.         

• I don't have a "6th Sense."  It's more like a 5 and a halfth sense.  But it's still awesome and also pretty accurate at detecting the presence of candy or french fries within a 100 yard radius. 

Last Friday (the 13th), I didn't even blink an eye because, really.  I am too old to believe in superstitions like bad luck.  But either bad luck really wanted to teach me a lesson, or it is just a lot less punctual than it used to be, because Saturday the 14th is the new Friday the 13th.  I could not keep up with the messes that morning and I somehow knew by breakfast that the day was doomed.  Our shower got backed up and I had to use a toilet plunger to drain the "bath" out of the shower.  I rushed to get ready for work and I stepped in gum while getting into the car.  It was so hot outside that the bottom of my shoe turned into some sort of cotton candy, tar, and grape soda mixture.  
Then the small man didn't nap.  In fact, he was channeling his inner wicked witch.  And this was all before noon.  Kinda like a bad hangover except you didn't drink the night before.  Ever have days where you just wanna hop in a canoe and paddle away?
  

• When my husband encounters a stranger in public, the first thing he notices is whether or not the person is carrying a weapon (law enforcement background).  The first thing I notice is whether or not he or she is carrying popcorn.  Because priorities.  And then of course from there, we make our own assessment as to whether or not we'll hit it off.

• If you want to know just how well you'd fare on Survivor, go on over to Chuck E Cheese on a Saturday.  This is a pretty good test.

Jackie loves bananas.  We eat bananas.  We sing about them. We use them as accessories.  And we even tell jokes about them.  Don't worry, I know I get my Corny Card punched for these...    
What is a banana's favorite game show?  Peel or No Peel
What is a banana's best dance move?  The Slide
What is a banana's place of residence?  A split level 
What is a banana's favorite television show?  The Brady Bunch
Why must I make up banana jokes?  I don't know, but I didn't say it was my most a-peeling trait.

The Back Page #9: Mama's Updated Resume

 

• To the inventor of the 30-second button on the microwave, that was brilliant.  Now can you start working on a device that allows you to wipe something *usually liquid* off of your own back when there's no one around to help except the one who's responsible for it being there? 

• So I just wanted to let the folks over at Bounty paper towels know that--the quicker, thicker picker-upper...is ME.

• What's this I hear some folks are afraid of their own shadow?  This perplexes me, as I could never be afraid of something that made me look slender so effortlessly.  My shadow wins the gold medal of honor. 

• We ran into the 3 little pigs.  Apparently, they have vacated their brick home, did a short-tail sale, and are now residing in a house made of Budweiser.  They were so chill, guzzling down cerveza, and it seemed as though they didn't have a care in the world of make believe.  Quoted the eldest pig: "The wolf inspired us to change the title of the story.  It's now called Pork: It's sure as hell NOT What's for Dinner."

• "One size fits all" is a broken promise.  "One size fits most" is a lofty challenge.  Neither are to be trusted unless it's a tent or a handkerchief. 

• "Pincer Grasp," said the Pediatrician.  "It's how we refer to their ability to pick up small objects with their thumb and index finger, and it's a skill you want to make sure he's developing."  Oh, thank you Doctor.  But Jackie must have misunderstood you.  He thought you said "Pinch Her."  And he's perfected it quite well at it actually.
  

• It used to be, when I heard the word blowout, I was looking for a major sale or thought someone was referring to a huge team victory.  Now? Well, you just don't even want to know.

• The other day, a mom tried to give me fifty cents as her portion of the $1.00 kiddie ride at the mall.  We had just started the wheels in motion when she came running up, looked at me with Desperado eyes, and asked if her son could ride too.  I thanked her for the offering, but didn't accept her money.  Cause folks, I think we just took carousel carpooling to the next level.   

• If you live in the desert, you wish summer would never come.  If you live in an igloo, you wish birthday cakes didn't have candles.  And if you live in a jail cell, you wish Paula Deen would get hired on as head chef.  Girl needs a job, right?         

• My 1 year old is obviously operating under the motto: "If nothing ever got smashed, then we wouldn't have applesauce."

• Newborn babies are like bacon.  They smell delicious, they go great with anything, but it's always better when someone else cleans up the mess.

• While home the other night,  just me and the little guy, the doorbell rang and a pizza delivery driver had a piping hot one, and was handing it over to me.  I said to him, "Oh, you must have the wrong house, we didn't order a pizza."  And I promise you, there is no one who regrets this decision more than I.

• I was asked to help out a friend with her resume.  And it got me thinking.  Maybe I should tidy mine up a bit.  After brainstorming for what seemed like an hour but was actually only a solid 3 minutes, I came up with a brief but noteworthy list of proficiencies that were just plain missing from my present document. 
  
• Employable Skills
• Musical Awareness: Convincing even the smartest of babies that sleep is a fun activity.  Pillows and blankets and naps, OH MY! 
• Budget Preservation: Re-using maternity clothes in order to avoid dangerous retail overindulgence.  Stretchy is my bestie.
• Teamwork Building: Generating positive feelings (measured by baby applause) in the workplace.  "If we both share these Cheez-its, then we'll feel better about ourselves." 
• Positions Held:
• Household Chore Task-Force Coordinator (2012-present)
• Dean of Bed Time Schedule (and will be so until 2030)
• Proficient in 5-Second Rule Violation Matters (Code 5SRV)
• Funny Face Generator (putting children's amusement before my own skin preservation)

I'd better go fax an updated copy of this to Human Resources... Because, how did I let all these qualities go unwritten?     

The Back Page #8: My Truth and Fiction are BOTH Strange

• The next time I go somewhere outside my own zip code, I'm going to hire a traveling nanny.  That's right, a tranny. 
  

• After I clicked on "forgot your password?", it asked me to type in the answer to my secret question.  I realized I had forgotten my imaginary childhood pet's name, so it then prompted me to type in my alternate email, a description of my first teacher's high school mascot's blood type, and whether the mascot preferred 2%, whole, or chocolate milk.  When I couldn't remember any of that, I stopped what I was doing, put the laptop lid down, and thought, hey brain transplant, you may be worth a shot! 

• I would just like to know if the engineers over at Honda have started working on the hybrid Mommy.  Because I think we could all use a few more miles to the gallon, amiright?

• I've been trying and trying, but I guess the problem is---I'm just not good at formatting.  I know this because I cannot seem to change my body's "layout" to portrait.  I'm stuck on landscape. 

• On a scale from 1 to 10, how nervous do clear shower curtains make you?  I'll tell you mine, it's 10.

• Shoot, we missed garbage pick up again!  I'll be right in, as soon as I am finished Febreezing the garage.

• When I'm reading a nice little story with Jackie on my lap, how is it that I'm certain, as he's pretending to listen, he's really scanning the room, carefully plotting his escape route? Could I be the NEXT face you see in the world of psychic ability?
  

 

• Whenever I'm indulging in extra heaping scoops of Spumoni, I silently blame my mother for never giving in to our desperate pleas for a DQ banana split the entire length of our childhood.  Mom, would once a year really have ruined us?

• And now I REALLY want a Dilly Bar.

 

• Our life is like TV.  Parts of it are scripted, some of the characters are overly dramatic, but all of it is reality.

• I was just going to do something and all of a sudden, it vanished from my mind.  But there I stood, frozen in the same spot, a strong gravitational pull trying like hell to get me to remember.  I think that means I just morphed into my mother.  And there aren't enough Cool Ranch Doritos in the world to console me.  Can we please hold hands and have a moment of silence for me?
• It's not really a coincidence that magicians and grooms often don the same ensemble of tux and a tophat.  Because grooms, I believe it was *I Do* to the dinner dates and back rubs, but it's definitely an *I Don't* to the farting, toilet seat amnesia, and having to fix inside out socks. How is it that they can fool us at the beginning with spell-binding magic tricks, but when we take a closer looksee, it was only an optical illusion, so now we're stuck with rabbit poop in a hat? 

• When you have a fast crawling toddler, I'm gonna call it the same as signing up for the gym, and starting right off with a 30-Day Squat Challenge. 

 

• If you pay attention to nutrition labels like I do, then you'll see the ingredients of whiskey include a fermented mash of grains such as corn, wheat, rye, and barley.  Basically, it's Mother Nature's drinking fountain.  Or, my kind of salad bar.

 

• When people ask me how old I am, I think I'm just going to start answering in "months" like mothers when referring to their little ones.  That keeps it a mystery for anyone without a calculator or Rain Man's computation ability.

• My "hourglass figure" is always late to stuff because it is carrying an extra 45 minutes.