The Back Page #8: My Truth and Fiction are BOTH Strange

• The next time I go somewhere outside my own zip code, I'm going to hire a traveling nanny.  That's right, a tranny. 
  

• After I clicked on "forgot your password?", it asked me to type in the answer to my secret question.  I realized I had forgotten my imaginary childhood pet's name, so it then prompted me to type in my alternate email, a description of my first teacher's high school mascot's blood type, and whether the mascot preferred 2%, whole, or chocolate milk.  When I couldn't remember any of that, I stopped what I was doing, put the laptop lid down, and thought, hey brain transplant, you may be worth a shot! 

• I would just like to know if the engineers over at Honda have started working on the hybrid Mommy.  Because I think we could all use a few more miles to the gallon, amiright?

• I've been trying and trying, but I guess the problem is---I'm just not good at formatting.  I know this because I cannot seem to change my body's "layout" to portrait.  I'm stuck on landscape. 

• On a scale from 1 to 10, how nervous do clear shower curtains make you?  I'll tell you mine, it's 10.

• Shoot, we missed garbage pick up again!  I'll be right in, as soon as I am finished Febreezing the garage.

• When I'm reading a nice little story with Jackie on my lap, how is it that I'm certain, as he's pretending to listen, he's really scanning the room, carefully plotting his escape route? Could I be the NEXT face you see in the world of psychic ability?
  

 

• Whenever I'm indulging in extra heaping scoops of Spumoni, I silently blame my mother for never giving in to our desperate pleas for a DQ banana split the entire length of our childhood.  Mom, would once a year really have ruined us?

• And now I REALLY want a Dilly Bar.

 

• Our life is like TV.  Parts of it are scripted, some of the characters are overly dramatic, but all of it is reality.

• I was just going to do something and all of a sudden, it vanished from my mind.  But there I stood, frozen in the same spot, a strong gravitational pull trying like hell to get me to remember.  I think that means I just morphed into my mother.  And there aren't enough Cool Ranch Doritos in the world to console me.  Can we please hold hands and have a moment of silence for me?
• It's not really a coincidence that magicians and grooms often don the same ensemble of tux and a tophat.  Because grooms, I believe it was *I Do* to the dinner dates and back rubs, but it's definitely an *I Don't* to the farting, toilet seat amnesia, and having to fix inside out socks. How is it that they can fool us at the beginning with spell-binding magic tricks, but when we take a closer looksee, it was only an optical illusion, so now we're stuck with rabbit poop in a hat? 

• When you have a fast crawling toddler, I'm gonna call it the same as signing up for the gym, and starting right off with a 30-Day Squat Challenge. 

 

• If you pay attention to nutrition labels like I do, then you'll see the ingredients of whiskey include a fermented mash of grains such as corn, wheat, rye, and barley.  Basically, it's Mother Nature's drinking fountain.  Or, my kind of salad bar.

 

• When people ask me how old I am, I think I'm just going to start answering in "months" like mothers when referring to their little ones.  That keeps it a mystery for anyone without a calculator or Rain Man's computation ability.

• My "hourglass figure" is always late to stuff because it is carrying an extra 45 minutes.