8 Simple Rules (for the drive-thru)

Drive-Thrus.  Good gosh. 

I am not a big fast food fan, but at times, we all need those french fries or that Frosty (both, duh) and we just cannot settle for healthy. 

And since my daily schedule involves lugging around a concrete cinder block everywhere I go, I came to appreciate the convenience of not having to leave my car, despite the fact that I wasn't really in the mood for a dollar menu and food I didn't order.


Just imagine having an overactive tree squirrel locked up in a five point harness in your car, setting it free for 5 minutes, and then explaining to the poor bushy-tailed sap, "back in you go."

The drive-thru is handy for times like that. 

Or for when I get in the car and realize I didn't get dressed, brush my hair, or remove my mascara the night before and now I look like Ricky the Raccoon in striped pajamas.  Or his mug shot. 

But even worse than feral squirrels or sleepy raccoons is when you get stuck behind your worst drive-thru nightmare.  These individuals clearly haven't reviewed my pamphlet on drive-thru etiquette. 

 

For the Drive-Thru

Rule 1:
Pull up.  Pay attention and know when you need to move.  Because I really don't want to have to open my car door and bust out like the Kool-aid Man through a brick wall.  But if my baby is tired or cranky, you can expect to see my face, accompanied by a thundering "Ohhhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhh!!" at your window.   

Rule 2:
Know and confirm the orders for at least 80% of the passengers in your vehicle by the time it's your turn to order.  Yes, you'll have the last-minute fence waverers who can't decide which of 23 sauces will go best with their onion rings.  But they can settle on a winner while you're shouting the first of the orders into the tiny speaker at a decibel only heard in hockey arenas, the Broadway stage, and gospel church services. 

Rule 3:
No choices of toys.  They give you the option, boy or girl.  That's it.  Pick one.  You don't get to go through the whole sequence of which ones does little darling already have, or which one completes the set, or we don't want the ones that encourage violence, et cetera et cetera.  Remember this preschool mantra: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit?  It still applies. 

Rule 4:
Know how you're paying and get it ready.  This is the time to set all i-devices down.  But if you just can't, then be ready for me (the crazy iMommy in the icar behind you) to give you a friendly well-meaning reminder in the form of ihonks.

Rule 5:
No trade backs.  If they got it all wrong, and they will, just pull around and go in.  They'll take you more seriously this way.  (Guys, remember that NUT from the drive-thru?  She's back!  Quick, give her whatever she wants so she leaves.)  Plus you can top off the drinks that already spilled when you were throwing passing things out to children, puppies, and clowns in the back seat.

Rule 6:
This definitely is not the time to order 9 custom lattes with lists, instructions, pictographs, notes, and addendums to the notes for all your co-workers.  And on a side note, if they sent you by yourself with 9 drink orders at lunch hour, it looks like they probably hate you.  Don't bring them anything. Go get yourself a nice lunch at P.F. Chang and fill up your gas tank.   

Rule 7:
Keep the conversation light.  If the window attendant strikes up small talk, banter back with one word answers.  Do not keep the dialogue going long after you've been given your bag of grease.  If they insist on carrying on, shove a handful of fries in your mouth.     

Rule 8:
Turn your radio down.  Because everyone knows lowering your radio helps you read the menu.

You have completed your Drive-Thru Finishing School Crash Course.  Please regard these rules and adhere to them on all your future super-sized adventures. 

Did I forget something?  What are YOUR worst drive-thru nightmares?