The Fault In Our Stars

It was a highly talked about book, made into an even more highly talked about (and swooned over) movie.  I took Kayleigh to see it the other night, and we were prepared--with candy and snacks--but NOT prepared with the appropriate amount of tissues necessary to catch our tears.  It was quite the emotional journey. 

So to help distract my mind from the weight of the film, I started thinking about stars.  And why they were getting blamed for stuff.  I mean, there are probably other things out there just as much at fault and worthy of examination.  Like...

Next time I talk to John Green, I'm taking inspiration from Hazel Grace and asking him, 'what happens after the stars served their punishment?'  And 'did they go back with their original clusters or just find new constellations altogether?'  I'll see what he says and get back to you.  

Irish Eyes Are Smiling

Originally Posted by mustloveleftovers 3/14/13
Nontraditional Irish Blessing
For best results, read aloud using your best Irish accent. 
(Irish accents can easily slip into Pirate accent,
so be careful, eh laddies?)

May the road to the liquor store rise to meet you,
May the babysitter not back out,
May the sun shine warm upon your pasty white face,
As you enjoy every cold glass of stout.

May the luck o' the Irish be with you,
May the Leprechaun give you a wink,
May it certainly not be your wee ones,
When someone asks, "What is that stink?"

May your journey's end of the rainbow,
Award you a large pot of gold,
And so now you can pay for that face lift,
Get the first available appointment, you're old.

If you can still count, count your blessings,
And imagine kissing the Blarney stone,
Then be happy to pass the Whiskey, lads,
Cause that means you're not drinking alone.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

The Road Not Taken

(is also The Road With No Bacon.)

A composition about In-N-Out Burger, LA Fitness, and a woman torn.

Based on the classic poem by Robert Frost.  Who obviously never had to choose between working out and working french fries out of their package. 

Two roads diverged on a desert lot,
And sorry I could not travel both
And still keep my resolutions, so there I stood
And looked down one as far as I could see,
There were long lines of people ordering a #3.

Then I looked at the other road, just to be fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Cause it was a health club & I'm dressed in sweats,
There was scarcely a person to be found
Cause Friday nights people have no regrets.

Where both places that evening equally lay
I could have stayed in the drive-thru lane.
Ordered my food, parked my car at the gym
And skipped all that "no pain no gain."

But as the famous lines go...
So I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged, and I,
I took the one less traveled by (dammit, Frost!)
And so far, it's made all the difference.
Well, wait a minute...
I can't see that it's made much of a difference.  Yet. 
But I'm hoping that it will eventually because holy smokes, we don't just go to the gym on a Friday night, exercise extreme will power, and pass up delicious french fries for nothing!  That's dedication, people! 

Hostess Snack Personal Ads

Remember the mass exodus of Hostess boxes from the shelves of gas stations, quick marts, and corner grocery stores?  

Those who celebrated.
(Jillian Michaels, Richard Simmons)

And those who mourned the untimely disappearance of Ding Dongs.
(Honey Boo Boo family)

But all that golden sponge cake goodness and the rest of its tormenting, end-cap residing, will-power killing snack assortment is back.  And you can find it all at a market near you. 

Conveniently placed at the end cap of like, every aisle, including on your way to the restroom area.  Seriously, do they have to do this? 

Although I've been pretty good at avoiding these and other sugary diet-sabotagers seen everywhere this time of year, they still try and call to me like a siren to a starving, washed-up swashbuckler. 

But recently, when they tried to get my attention and I didn't even make eye contact, they became a little desperate and...well, took a new approach.  They made personal ads.

Franklin Fruit Pie
Sweet and traditional, my idea of a good time is a potluck picnic and some Bon Jovi.  I may seem a little "flaky" on the outside, but people always grow to love me once they experience my sweet--and delicious--inner beauty.  I'm saucy.  Don't get it twisted.

Dennis Ding Dong
I'm not one to take life too seriously.  In fact, I don't wanna have to think at all, ever. I like Laffy Taffy jokes and long walks along Parking Space 118E outside Safeway.  And as far as the rumors about me and Little Debbie, I hope you don't just go believing everything you hear on social media.  Ding Dong don't play that.  
 
Stan the Sno Ball
I'm the classic adventure seeker with an eye for excitement, a need for danger, and an appreciation for sweetness in the form of coconut flakes.  Always up for new challenges, I can show you the world like you've never seen it before, girl!  If you're tired of vanilla and want to spice things up a little, give this ball a call! 




Twinkie Twinkie,
Little Star
I don't need much of a formal introduction because there's just something about a little yellow sponge that everyone loves.  They're even frying me up at the state fair.  I AM the life of the party.  If you pick me, I'll have you sayin' "Oatmeal Cream who??" 
"Bye bye, Mr. Oatmeal Pie..."

Suzy Q Stunner
My southern charm and gentleman's nature make me impossible to resist. I have all the qualities of the snack next door, and I was voted "Most Likely to Feed" 3 years in a row at Diet Downfall 2013. If you pick me, I'd say, "Shucks, why that's might uncrummy of you, ma'am."


Donny Donette
It's time to think outside the cake and icing!  I'm a fresh take on an old classic and once you get to know me, you'll wonder where I've been your "hole" life. 


Henry Honey Bun
A smooth talker, my complimentary style makes me a ladies' choice.   I'm a fast thinker and can get out of any sticky situation.  I'm mostly a morning person, but I can show you a great time at any hour of the day or night.  P.S. Your coffee wants me too.


Ho Ho Holler at Me
I'm the perfect combination of tickle-your-taste-buds tantalizing and I'm all "rolled up" into one tasty spiral morsel.  I can be peeled, frozen, and I'm a TWIN so you can save half of me for later.  Can Cupcake do that? 

Didn't find your Prince Chocolate Charming here?  Tell us about it in the comments, and we'll be sure to track down his ad!






The Little Red Hen 2.0

Who will help me dump out all the produce from the refrigerator onto the floor? asked the little red hen one sunny day.

"Not I," said the Mommy. 

Then I shall do it myself, said the little red hen.

Who will help me throw some puzzle pieces into the toilet, flush the toilet 9 times, and then unspool the toilet paper just for hoots?

"Not I," said the Mommy.

Then I shall do it myself, clucked the little red hen.

Who will help me toss all of my macaroni, and then when I get down from my high chair, who will help me pick it all up and eat it to see if it tastes better off of the floor?

"Not I," said the Mommy.

Then I shall do it myself, replied the hen.

Who will help me take all of my diapers out of the diaper stacker, carefully inspect each one, and then incidentally, NOT put them back, but rather sprinkle them all over the bedroom?

"Not I," said the Mommy.

Then I shall do it myself, huffed the LRH.

Who will help me take all of the rocks from the rock bed and throw them onto the grass?

"Ain't nobody got time for that," said the Mommy.

Then I shall chuck them myself, said the LRH.

Who will help me pick up all these messes, make dinner, wash the dishes, take a bath, read a story, put on my pajamas, and go to bed?

(Using her best reverse psychology) "I will!" said the Mommy.

Ohhhhh, no!! Not so fast, said the little red hen.

You did not help me clean out the produce drawers, test the toilet, discard the bad macaroni, reorganize the diapers, OR redecorate the back yard. 

So then I shall do it all myself, proclaimed the little red hen.

"Ah shucks," said the Mommy.  "So it is.  You win again, little red hen.  You win again."

And the little red hen got to work. 

And the Mommy got her glass of wine. 


The Moral of the Story: 
Let's ask ourselves, do we really even need one?

Wheel of Fortune (It's Mommy's Turn)

You know the category. 

It's a phrase.  

"Before and After." 

The last word of the first phrase is the same word that starts the next phrase. 
Example: Wheel of Fortune Cookie.

Well, here are just a few that Pat Sajak hasn't featured yet.  But Mommy is ready to solve the puzzle, win her trip to Maui, and just get the heck outta her pajama pants! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My So-Called Sweet Life

I wake up in the morning feeling
GOOD AND PLENTY of rest.
Yeah, there are MOUNDS of laundry,
but I'm not up to the test.

As much as I'd like to ROLOver
and pretend I'm still asleep,
I drag myself from my nice warm bed,
cause I hear a little PEEP.

I've been really getting SMARTIE
and I've figured out a plan,
I'm no DUM DUM, and when I tell you,
you will really understand.












A mom's life is EXTRA busy,
and there are WHOPPERS of lists to complete
(Good thing no one's keeping SKOR,
cause I'm not the one to beat).













I'm not going to be that AIRHEAD
working hard both NOW AND LATER,
So I've hired a RED HOT gourmet chef
to come to my house and cater.












And many moms might SNICKER at me,
cause they haven't yet figured out,
To pay some NERDS to come fix every
broken WHATCHAMACALLIT lying about.















And as far as common housework,
I'm no SLO-POKE in this field,
I've hired some maids--they're LIFESAVERS
Are you note-taking all I've revealed?

But when I went to leave for my shopping SPREE,

I sure was not the hero
Cause there's no such thing as PAY DAY,
and my bank account read ZERO.













So I released the chef, the geeks, the maids
and sent them on their way,
Guess I'm not the best multi-tasking mom,
at least not in this MILKY WAY.

But hey, I learned a good lesson,
had a CHUCKLE and then dropped my purse,
I may be a scatterbrained BUTTERFINGERS mom,

but I've got plenty of years to rehearse.                             
KLR, 2013