Hostess Snack Personal Ads

Remember the mass exodus of Hostess boxes from the shelves of gas stations, quick marts, and corner grocery stores?  

Those who celebrated.
(Jillian Michaels, Richard Simmons)

And those who mourned the untimely disappearance of Ding Dongs.
(Honey Boo Boo family)

But all that golden sponge cake goodness and the rest of its tormenting, end-cap residing, will-power killing snack assortment is back.  And you can find it all at a market near you. 

Conveniently placed at the end cap of like, every aisle, including on your way to the restroom area.  Seriously, do they have to do this? 

Although I've been pretty good at avoiding these and other sugary diet-sabotagers seen everywhere this time of year, they still try and call to me like a siren to a starving, washed-up swashbuckler. 

But recently, when they tried to get my attention and I didn't even make eye contact, they became a little desperate and...well, took a new approach.  They made personal ads.

Franklin Fruit Pie
Sweet and traditional, my idea of a good time is a potluck picnic and some Bon Jovi.  I may seem a little "flaky" on the outside, but people always grow to love me once they experience my sweet--and delicious--inner beauty.  I'm saucy.  Don't get it twisted.

Dennis Ding Dong
I'm not one to take life too seriously.  In fact, I don't wanna have to think at all, ever. I like Laffy Taffy jokes and long walks along Parking Space 118E outside Safeway.  And as far as the rumors about me and Little Debbie, I hope you don't just go believing everything you hear on social media.  Ding Dong don't play that.  
 
Stan the Sno Ball
I'm the classic adventure seeker with an eye for excitement, a need for danger, and an appreciation for sweetness in the form of coconut flakes.  Always up for new challenges, I can show you the world like you've never seen it before, girl!  If you're tired of vanilla and want to spice things up a little, give this ball a call! 




Twinkie Twinkie,
Little Star
I don't need much of a formal introduction because there's just something about a little yellow sponge that everyone loves.  They're even frying me up at the state fair.  I AM the life of the party.  If you pick me, I'll have you sayin' "Oatmeal Cream who??" 
"Bye bye, Mr. Oatmeal Pie..."

Suzy Q Stunner
My southern charm and gentleman's nature make me impossible to resist. I have all the qualities of the snack next door, and I was voted "Most Likely to Feed" 3 years in a row at Diet Downfall 2013. If you pick me, I'd say, "Shucks, why that's might uncrummy of you, ma'am."


Donny Donette
It's time to think outside the cake and icing!  I'm a fresh take on an old classic and once you get to know me, you'll wonder where I've been your "hole" life. 


Henry Honey Bun
A smooth talker, my complimentary style makes me a ladies' choice.   I'm a fast thinker and can get out of any sticky situation.  I'm mostly a morning person, but I can show you a great time at any hour of the day or night.  P.S. Your coffee wants me too.


Ho Ho Holler at Me
I'm the perfect combination of tickle-your-taste-buds tantalizing and I'm all "rolled up" into one tasty spiral morsel.  I can be peeled, frozen, and I'm a TWIN so you can save half of me for later.  Can Cupcake do that? 

Didn't find your Prince Chocolate Charming here?  Tell us about it in the comments, and we'll be sure to track down his ad!