The Back Page #7: Lost In Translation

• Phil: I don't think you even need to wear makeup.  Me: Aw, thanks hon.  But you just never know when that day will come where you'll get to meet Jesus.  Or Hugh Jackman.  And I'd like to look my best, you know...for either or.

  

  Heavenly Father, How great Thou art.
  (On two of your sons, Jesus and Hugh.)

• And speaking of makeup, in case you were wondering, the look I was going for is called smoky eye.  But because I got sucked into a dessert recipe board on Pinterest and haven't been able to look away from the screen for 4 hours, how do you like glassy eye?

• Overheard from the next aisle over in the baby department...
• Mom: If you drop him one more time, you're not getting him back.
• Little girl: (in shocking disbelief) Him??!!!  Mom, my doll is a SHE!!!
• Mom: If you drop HER one more time, she's not coming home with us.

(Hey, Mom, at least she used correct grammar...)

 

 

• In the name of fashion, I'm going places I've never been before.  Meaning I've taken an interest in matching my slippers to my robe.  High five!  But, in the name of spills, I've taken an unfortunate step backward.  Opening the lid to your baby's cup in front of him means you just gave your consent to water sports in the kitchen.

• Words/Phrases/Cliches I'm hoping will be banned soon:
• One horse town-Country artists, please find another way to say whistle-stop with more bars than inhabitants and a staggering unemployment rate.
• Yolo-You've had your day in the sun.  And now it is setting on you.  Shut it down.
• Shut it down-There, it's out of my system. 
• Swag-No, you don't have it.  Not when you're 11 years old.  How about grow facial hair first.
• Round peg in a square hole-What about trapezoid?  Rhombus?  You think they're not a little tired of never being mentioned?
• Cereal for dinner again??-Okay, I realize this is actually a question, but, still--many people--besides me--are probably sick of hearing it too.   
• Spoiler Alert-Gahhhh, this one is out of control.  But here's your spoiler alert...we aren't having hot mush for dinner tonight.  We're having cold mush.
  

• "Junk Drawer" is just my way of saying put that sh*# somewhere I won't have to look at it until next year sometime.  I'm sure I'll be so glad I saved the dried up highlighter, 3 dead batteries, and the pizza coupons that expired 11 months ago. 

• The after hours nurses on the pediatric hotline created a new touchtone option just for me to review all items in cart before proceeding to checkout.

• "I thought we were going to Chuck E Cheese!"  We are, honey.  I'm almost ready, I've just got to decide which flask best matches my Chambray shirt and then we are out the door!

• No one thought it could be done, but I've cracked a secret code.  When you locate the "tear open here" slit on a bag of ANYTHING, just turn the item upside down and rotate it 180 degrees.  Then, and only then, will you be able to get that sucker open without involving scissors or swear words.  (But that's not a guarantee or anything on the swear words.)     

• 1 was a breeze, and 2 was manageable, but 3???  We're supposed to feed them 3 meals a day?  My kitchen just cannot recover quickly enough.  *Sigh*

• Remember that extra set of hands you always talked about wishing you had?  Well, you got em, now whatcha gonna do with them?  They may be tiny, but they don't miss an opportunity for precariousness.
  

• How sad is it that the thing I'm most looking forward to about my birthday this weekend is the free Grand Slam at Denny's?  Does that reveal a little something about my age?  $hit.

• I just heard someone say, "Anything is an antique if you keep it long enough."  I can't wait to tell the gallon of milk in my fridge this good news. 

•  Do you think if I lay my head down on a memory foam pillow, it will help me remember where I put that box of checks?

• If you feel you may have been born without the SG (sensibility gene), becoming a parent only intensifies that feeling.

• I hope Mario Lopez and my other Spanish-speaking followers are not upset that I still don't know how to type the accento symbol above the n, as in pinata or jalapeno.  I'm not trying to ruin your beautiful language, I'm just that clueless. 

• Jackie and I have very strong communication skills.  Food on the tray = good.  Food thrown onto the floor = gross.  It's how we got past the whole white cheese, yellow cheese, some veggies, just not peas stage.    

• As a writer who sometimes uses joking and sarcasm to help make a point, I've been advised that in order to avoid seeming insensitive, you should never joke about things that have caused or could cause misfortune or peril to another person.  So I apologize, but from here on out, I shall never discuss rolling pins, scissors, nachos with extra jalapenos, Krispie Kremes, eating Polish sausage while laughing, lamp cords, or squatting while wearing tight shorts.  Basically, I'm left with talking about my superior mothering skills.  Dammit, another joke.  See, I can't help it.  

She buys me soft pretzels, that's about all I can contribute.