The Back Page #9: Mama's Updated Resume

 

• To the inventor of the 30-second button on the microwave, that was brilliant.  Now can you start working on a device that allows you to wipe something *usually liquid* off of your own back when there's no one around to help except the one who's responsible for it being there? 

• So I just wanted to let the folks over at Bounty paper towels know that--the quicker, thicker picker-upper...is ME.

• What's this I hear some folks are afraid of their own shadow?  This perplexes me, as I could never be afraid of something that made me look slender so effortlessly.  My shadow wins the gold medal of honor. 

• We ran into the 3 little pigs.  Apparently, they have vacated their brick home, did a short-tail sale, and are now residing in a house made of Budweiser.  They were so chill, guzzling down cerveza, and it seemed as though they didn't have a care in the world of make believe.  Quoted the eldest pig: "The wolf inspired us to change the title of the story.  It's now called Pork: It's sure as hell NOT What's for Dinner."

• "One size fits all" is a broken promise.  "One size fits most" is a lofty challenge.  Neither are to be trusted unless it's a tent or a handkerchief. 

• "Pincer Grasp," said the Pediatrician.  "It's how we refer to their ability to pick up small objects with their thumb and index finger, and it's a skill you want to make sure he's developing."  Oh, thank you Doctor.  But Jackie must have misunderstood you.  He thought you said "Pinch Her."  And he's perfected it quite well at it actually.
  

• It used to be, when I heard the word blowout, I was looking for a major sale or thought someone was referring to a huge team victory.  Now? Well, you just don't even want to know.

• The other day, a mom tried to give me fifty cents as her portion of the $1.00 kiddie ride at the mall.  We had just started the wheels in motion when she came running up, looked at me with Desperado eyes, and asked if her son could ride too.  I thanked her for the offering, but didn't accept her money.  Cause folks, I think we just took carousel carpooling to the next level.   

• If you live in the desert, you wish summer would never come.  If you live in an igloo, you wish birthday cakes didn't have candles.  And if you live in a jail cell, you wish Paula Deen would get hired on as head chef.  Girl needs a job, right?         

• My 1 year old is obviously operating under the motto: "If nothing ever got smashed, then we wouldn't have applesauce."

• Newborn babies are like bacon.  They smell delicious, they go great with anything, but it's always better when someone else cleans up the mess.

• While home the other night,  just me and the little guy, the doorbell rang and a pizza delivery driver had a piping hot one, and was handing it over to me.  I said to him, "Oh, you must have the wrong house, we didn't order a pizza."  And I promise you, there is no one who regrets this decision more than I.

• I was asked to help out a friend with her resume.  And it got me thinking.  Maybe I should tidy mine up a bit.  After brainstorming for what seemed like an hour but was actually only a solid 3 minutes, I came up with a brief but noteworthy list of proficiencies that were just plain missing from my present document. 
  
• Employable Skills
• Musical Awareness: Convincing even the smartest of babies that sleep is a fun activity.  Pillows and blankets and naps, OH MY! 
• Budget Preservation: Re-using maternity clothes in order to avoid dangerous retail overindulgence.  Stretchy is my bestie.
• Teamwork Building: Generating positive feelings (measured by baby applause) in the workplace.  "If we both share these Cheez-its, then we'll feel better about ourselves." 
• Positions Held:
• Household Chore Task-Force Coordinator (2012-present)
• Dean of Bed Time Schedule (and will be so until 2030)
• Proficient in 5-Second Rule Violation Matters (Code 5SRV)
• Funny Face Generator (putting children's amusement before my own skin preservation)

I'd better go fax an updated copy of this to Human Resources... Because, how did I let all these qualities go unwritten?