The Back Page #15: Every Day Random Observances (With Help From Jimmy Fallon)

• Any side dish ending in the word "salad" but not containing actual lettuce probably isn't gonna get you into those tight pants.  How's that for irony? 
  

• Dear Mr. Potato Head, I feel like some sort of creepy voodoo master whenever we get together.  Look, I know you've been through a lot at our house, and for any surreptitious pokes in the wrong places, we're all truly sorry.  On a side note, it's almost time for a new season of "Botched" and I'll do my best to ensure they have an opening for you, Spud Man.  Your friend, Karen.

• Some days I think parenting should just be done from a church pew all day long so that no matter what you did or did not accomplish, you would still get an "Amen!"
  

• When someone I know is having a baby, I don't even bother looking at the gift registry.  I just order up a pallet of paper towels and call it a day. 

• I just googled "precise location of the 'Black Forest' I always read about in recipe books."  (You know, the really delicious sounding forest, home of the ham and chocolate cakes.)  I would like to set up camp there.  I'm leaving right now for a change of address postcard.

• Always try your very best, you never know where you'll find success.  Take Solo for example,  the paper products company.  One day you're handling a sleeve of cups, then Starbucks comes along and, BOOM you've hit the big time.  Instant stardom.
  

• THIS is Jeopardy!

Hope you are all having a fabulous summer! 

 

The Last Word

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.