Baby Boot Camp

Warning: This blog post is NOT about my baby.  It's about me.

After 6 months of being a mommy, I really feel that it is my wish--and my duty--to spill my guts and talk about the last half a year.  As many of you know, I went through a little bit of post partum lows and there were some days that posed many a challenge for me.  Please don't misinterpret me, I LOVE being a mom and all that it entails.  Well, most of what it entails.  But I had to get through this many minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months to be able to look back and actually clearly understand why couples decide to have more than one child.  For there was a time, early on, where I thought, my goodness I have gone to the other side.  There were plenty of nights where dinner came from a box or a bottle (both wine references there, ha!).  But I believe now--in hindsight--that all of this came from temporary uncontrollable hormones and necessary life adjustments that I just never could have imagined or anticipated.  *Not to mention, it was summertime in Arizona. Ick.  That's enough to make anyone go a little crazy.

It's true what they say--that all of the preparation, excitement and new baby bliss can lead to an actual letdown and semi-depression once the pain meds wear off and you realize that this little crying thing is bunking with you now.  Every day.  And every night.  That slippers and sweats are not actually a part of your wardrobe that you're really proud of.  That no matter how energetic you felt prior to that trip to the hospital and giving birth, it all vanishes for awhile as you struggle to just muddle through each day.  There was a new normal to navigate.  And my learning curve was pretty steep.  I wasn't sure I even possessed the tools required to survive.  I remember there were days where I thought I would never have the mental capacity or physical desire to exercise, cook, clean, remember peoples' birthdays, or do anything functional again.  I remember watching television commercials and thinking, gosh, why is everyone so flipping happy and out riding bikes and jumping into pools and commenting on how wonderful their insurance plans or breakfast cereals were?  I could not see the big picture and I had lost my macro lens on life.  Everything seemed so trivial.  And having people just tell you it will get better, get easier, didn't actually make it so.  My behavior may have been indicative of a happy new mom, but there were days I had to try REALLY hard convincing myself of that.   

But somewhere along the line, something just happened and things actually DID get better.  I am not even sure I can pinpoint WHEN that transition occurred, but I know that I owe three-quarters of my remaining sanity to my husband Phil and step-daughter Kayleigh, and the rest to my lovingly dear friends and family for the constant support.  This blog was really a place where I could share our memories, but I am also thankful for all these "coaches" I had during my "Baby Boot Camp," who could see that I was hurting and just knew how to be helpful, listen, and guide me through.  It's like when I was six years old and my ski instructor told me I'd be okay, but I thought I would rather die than go down that hill.  I needed a "push."  Actually they had to force me to do it or else I'd still be at the top of that hill, contemplating.  Thank you to those of you who gave me that push (or shove, whichever) down the hill.  I've always tried to look at things positively, and I'd be the first person to say the glass is half full.  And today, I am so thrilled that I actually am feeling like that is the case, rather than just nodding, agreeing, and going through the motions.  My gratitude to this incredible support system is immeasurable.

To anyone that I haven't seen or spoken to in a great long time, I apologize for having "left the building" for awhile or if I've been unavailable as a friend, but I hope you can understand.  Just as an athlete must be in prime physical form to compete, I had to be in a good mental and emotional state in order to talk about this whole process.  And one thing that I think I would love to do at this point in my life, is to talk with or counsel first time moms who may have gone through a similar experience.  You can be ok with not being ok for awhile.  It's just the truth.  And if I had to guess, I'm sure there are plenty of people who would rather not unleash the honesty because it's more attractive or socially acceptable to be "fine."  I actually really appreciate those friends who told me either through their words or with a good hard look, that hey!  This is NOT EASY!!  You are SUPPOSED to feel exhausted sometimes, and you'll be cranky some days.  You may even want to punch people.  The ones who reminded me that I will never be the "old Karen" again, and that I have a new role now.  A much harder, more selfless, WAY more emotional, but so much more fulfilling role. 

That raw and brutal honesty was the best medicine I ever ingested.  And now I understand. 

Our pediatrician recently told us that we do not need to be using the baby monitor anymore. He said that no monitor has ever prevented Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It only prevents parents from getting a good night's sleep. And that was hard for me to hear. I tried to tell him that I needed that monitor. But the more I listened to him, the more sense he made. Jackie will be ok. And if he needs me, if he REALLY needs me, I'll hear him. I don't need to hear every little breath or noise he makes. And if it helps me get a better night's sleep to be a better parent the next day, then so be it.

I am pleased to say that I feel great.  I feel amazing.  And that is the truth.  I still cannot read (even the first page) any one of the 5 copies I own of the book Love You Forever without crying.  I have jeans that still don't fit quite right.  The cleanliness of my kitchen is always a "work in progress."  But you know something?  I feel like myself.  I feel exuberant and love my life and my family.  And that means EVERYTHING to me.   

Okay, and here are a couple of pictures of my cute baby.  I couldn't finish the post without acknowledging this sweet little guy. :)