Let's Talk About Self Help Books

We've all picked one up off the shelf before.  The title screams to us from the other side of the room. 

We've all been curious. 

You wanna know my problem?  I'm curious, but I don't have enough time to get through an entire book.  When you get right down to it, not even the table of contents.

And who has the extra $24.95 to purchase a book that will eventually become either a door stop or a weapon?  Not me, that's who. 

But just because we don't have the extra time or dough does NOT mean we have fewer problems which require the viable solutions that self help reading material offers.

So, for moms like me, here are some sample situations and a quick guide of where you might turn for an easier, less costly, and perhaps hair brained solution.

These are not traditional self help books.  But having read them all, I can attest that each one has helped me in some time of need.    

Note: Not all of these made it to the NY Times Bestseller's List...but lists can be pretentious.

Situation A
Your husband comes home starving, having busted his hump all day, and he greets you with a look of hopeful confidence that you have dinner waiting on the kitchen table, piping hot.  In truth, you plum forgot to start a meal because you were still full from the 2 pound bag of M&Ms you ate for breakfast.  You need to think fast and suggest take-out. 
Persuasion by Jane Austen

Situation B
You notice there's no more laundry soap, and in a last ditch effort to throw something into the load of laundry you already started, you use a bottle of the kids' bubbles.  The washer overflows with suds so you grab the mop, but you slip instead and land on the floor, feet perpendicular to your lifeless body. 
Watership Down by Richard Adams

Situation C
There is a 13 month old screaming in the other room because this morning, you wouldn't let him put the newspaper in the toilet, and this afternoon you took the fruit bowl off his head and apparently also looked at him the wrong way.  This led to a torrential meltdown complete with puddle size tears.  So you reach for your glass of wine, turn on "Let It Be," by the Beatles, and sit down to start The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,when you quickly throw that one out for Angels And Demons by Dan Brown.

Situation D
You came in from outside crying because the sandbox is full of cat poop, the swing set is flooded, and ants are trying to build a new home on your feet.  You ask your husband when the next vacation will be, and he hands you a copy of  A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare. So you hand him your copy of (I Will Not Necessarily) Love You Forever.


Situation E
You woke up early, showered, and were feeling on top of your game when you suddenly notice that you poured Honey Nut Cheerios in the dog's dish, and your toddler is scarfing down Purina.  You start fumbling frantically for  The Idiots Guide to Poison Control when you spot it underneath your latest read, The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People.

Situation F
You notice the Rocky Road you just bought last night is missing from the freezer, and all you can find in the house to satisfy your sweet tooth are some Tums tablets and a syrup packet.  You ask your children if they know what happened to it.  One of the children still has chocolate on his face.  They shake their heads no.  You want to kill someone right then and there.  So you quickly review what to do using  The Bill of Rights, the  Active Ingredients of Degree Deodorant, & And Then There Were None by Agatha Cristie.

Situation G
Another Monday morning has arrived and brought with it high hopes of sticking to your fewer carbs, more veggies plan.  But then by Monday afternoon, the sneak attacker Auntie Anne and her soft pretzels and cream cheese dropped by and punched "high hopes" right to the ground in an undisputed knock out.  You know what to do.  You grab  Aesop's Fables: The Tortoise and the Hare and you focus your attention on the part about "slow and steady wins the race."  We're talking sloooooooow and steady.  It's a 2-year race.

For all other situations of monumental and catastrophic proportions...
The Holy Bible, Where the Wild Things Are, or Gone With The Wind.
And if that doesn't help, go to travelocity.com and have more M&Ms.

Just remember to read reviews because not all self help books are created equal.  Looks like this one could lead to a "Situation P."

Wheel of Fortune (It's Mommy's Turn)

You know the category. 

It's a phrase.  

"Before and After." 

The last word of the first phrase is the same word that starts the next phrase. 
Example: Wheel of Fortune Cookie.

Well, here are just a few that Pat Sajak hasn't featured yet.  But Mommy is ready to solve the puzzle, win her trip to Maui, and just get the heck outta her pajama pants! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Mother, Like Son

At night, about 30 minutes after Jackie is asleep in his bed, I enter my Zone.  The Zone is where I go when I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up, television humming, and at the precise moment where I realize everything I'd wanted to get finished today can now wait til tomorrow.  (Tomorrow will be sympathetic too.)  For there is only a tiny space left in my brain that hasn't already reached its daily quota of Sprout Channel, a 5th round of dishes, and multiple attempts at putting away folded laundry.

When I used to say "I'm tired," I was a hallucinating darned fool because I had no earthly idea what that meant.  These days, Jackie exists to show me that just when you think you're completely depleted of energy, there is actually quite a bit more of it in there.  It's called tapping into your "you don't have a choice, keep moving, there are more stuffed animals and blocks not emptied from their containers to the floor, just don't lie down or close your eyes" reservoir.  He's like Harry Potter, and I have to find all his chambers of secrets. 

We have learned so many new words like "hot!" "down!" "uh-oh!" "down more!" and "please get down please!"  But I love his persistence.  Most of the time.  Check out this picture comparison.

(Gotta love the color motifs of the seventies, eh?)      

 

Is this not a little spooky? 

 


Once Upon a (Who's the) Child?

Did you ever hear the expression,

"One fly can ruin your picnic?" 

While I'm usually the one giving most people the benefit of the doubt, recently, I had the opportunity to see a different, not-so-sweet-side of motherhood at our local children's second-hand store.

I do like Once Upon a Child.  They buy and sell gently used children's clothing, toys, and gear that, sooner or later, you'll need.  Buy, sell, and repeat.  Like a Netflix exchange for baby stuff.

But this particular day, we had no idea what else we'd be exchanging in among the merchandise.     

We entered the store, huffing and puffing from carrying in our load.  It wasn't much.  Just a few (still assembled) large-ish pieces of baby gear that Jackson had grown too big for.

What had once been household staples and baby items I could not do without, were now not only dangerous for him to use, but they were taking up prime real estate in our modest 3 bedroom ranch (Because apparently, the 30% less plastic that Aquafina now uses in their water bottles went straight to the workshops at Fisher Price).

Being the sort of mom that I am, it's not like me to take on cumbersome tasks by myself without enlisting the sort of help that Santa relies on each 24th of December.  Because more hands make lighter work.  Or something like that saying.  Anyway, it was a miracle that we were able to fit everything in the van, believe me.

When the friendly women working behind the counter greeted us, they gave us detailed instructions on how they wanted this to go down.  Operating in a 3-man band, Phil, Kayleigh, and I listened closely and complied with their specific requests, as we took turns with Jackson walking around the store.  We were told that they needed to verify that all equipment was in good working order, tested with batteries AND electrical outlets both, and they would be ready to check us out and give us cash or store credit for our items in about 20-30 minutes.   

The next few moments came on fast and furious.  A few feet away, stood a mother with a toddler around 18 months in age from what my eyes could quickly tally.  I don't know where she was a second ago, but she had suddenly materialized between myself and the counter in about 1.5 seconds, arms flailing. 

"WHAT??!!!  You just told them they could get finished in 20 minutes!!??  You told me it would be at least 45 minutes to an hour and I WAS HERE BEFORE THEM!!!!  That is just not right!!!"

And she went on.  And on.  And on. 

Despondent, the sales clerk looked flustered but stayed professional. 

"Ma'am, we issued you a longer wait time because you have several bags of clothing.  We need to go through each piece and it takes a lot longer.  This other family only has equipment.  The wait time for that is much shorter.  But we will do the best we can to get you out quickly."

The woman was still not happy with the store clerk's response.  But all I could do at this point was look at the face of her adorable child who was oblivious to his mother's rant.  He was so cute.  Sensing possible foul play, I asked Kayleigh to walk with Jackson while Phil and I stayed up front with our stuff. 

It was hot.  And I know that waiting anywhere with a toddler who is awake and ready to roll is as fun as tax preparation on a unicycle.  But she still didn't have to say the things she said next.

"Well!  I am a single mom, and I don't have a husband or anyone else here to help me with MY baby!  Being a single mom is not easy, you know!"  Then, looking DIRECTLY at me, she continued, "YOU'LL SEE.  YOU'LL find out soon enough."   

Bug eyes.  That is what I'm sure I was sporting.  "Wait, what did she just say?" the non-chiming, still calm part of me quietly piped up.  Was she really implying that my husband leaving me was imminent to my future?

Phil muttered under his breath in the direction of my ear.  "I think I know why she's single."

I asked Phil to clarify because I wasn't sure I had heard correctly. 

He nodded.  I had heard correctly.  I could not believe she had chosen to make it so personal. 

Ma'am, I'm sorry you're a single (and crabby!) mom, but that's really not my problem.  And it's certainly not fair to get angry and spiteful just because I have a husband and some extra helping hands! 
(thought, but not actually spoken because I'm such a chicken and I avoid confrontation at all costs)

You could have stuck a fork in me, but I was still not done being completely taken aback.  I stood frozen with a look on my face halfway between disgust and defeat.

She seemed satisfied with herself for being so irate.  Like she'd just climbed Mount Bitterest and staked her initialed flag into the peak with a triumphant hmmph!

But I didn't take the bait.  I exhaled deeply and agreed with my inner self to just let this go.  Inner self, you're such a wuss.

I would have words with my inner self later.   

I amped up the smiles, rolled my eyes for dramatic effect (can you blame me?!), finished filling out the paperwork, and we browsed around, leaving the tigress in search of another piece of meat.  I wasn't going to be anyone's zebra hide today.

What I felt then?  Sorry for her.  I ended up telling myself that she was probably in the middle of an awful messy divorce, was stuck alone with a toddler to fend for herself, and maybe someone had even rear ended her on the way over.  I just wasn't in the mood for a tussle. 

And after the whole ordeal, I used the experience to fuel my thankful tank.  I know I am blessed.  I am fortunate to have a very helpful and hardworking husband, a step-daughter who is second to none and gives me so much of her time and energy, and an easy going little man who makes most days a Mama's dream come true. 

I have my cranky days too.  But this woman reminded me--even if in a rather depraved way--that just because we have the right to free speech, does not mean we need to exercise it ALL. THE. TIME. 

Of course, we'll continue to visit our local resale shop.  But maybe next time, I'll bring my husband, his buddy Ron, my Father-in-law "Nutsy," and our good friend the "Cave Man" along for the ride.

Fun on a Budget (aka "Fudge-It")

Is your summer in a lull?  Can't afford day care?  Don't live by Sea World or Lego Land? 

Well, don't worry parents!  Here are some ways you can enjoy lots of fun this summer with your family and small ones, without breaking the bank. 

(Disclosure: I said not breaking the bank, but that's not to say other stuff won't get broken)

These are just a few of the ways we kick boredom to the curb around here.  (Yes, you may feel sorry for us.  Mostly me.)



Traditional swings still do the trick!

Blanket Swing
While two people hold the corners of a blanket, place the "rider" in the center.  Pick him up with a heave ho!, and on the count of 3, sway back and forth.  We use "one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!" but the possibilities are endless. 
Cost: one blanket, a few huffs and puffs, and your failing arm muscles


Spin the Bottle
When you've finished the Simply Lemonade and you have that empty bottle in hand, don't go to the recycling bin just yet.  There are at LEAST 15 minutes of fun ahead of you in Spin the Bottle with your baby.  My sole motivation to play this game?  Baby Kisses.
Cost: $2.50 for the bottle, but reimbursed with slobbery smooches


Golf Ball Giggles
All you need for this fun activity is a large plastic bowl and a golf ball, any color.  Place the golf ball in the bowl and commence rolling it around.  Have your little one try to grab it.  This one is good for a few minutes of belly laughs. 
Cost: free, provided you can find a golf ball (like a needle in a haystack at our house...)


Trash Can Taquito
Using a metal trash can circa 1985, empty it of all beer cans, fruit roll-up wrappers, and other debris.  Then roll it on the floor up and down hallways and watch as babies go bananas trying to chase it down. 
Cost: free, any round canister shaped object will work


Ribbon Race
Got some extra ribbon lying around?  Who needs it?  You've got 6 months til Christmas and you can always replenish it later.  Unspooling the ribbon as fast as possible is much more fun than keeping it safely tucked away in a drawer.  Cause, try it. 
Cost: $1.49 or whatever ribbon costs at a store near you


Hide and Squeak
All you need for this is a rubber ducky.  Hide him in different places around your house, and take your little one on a never-ending scavenger hunt.  Once you find ducky, (and moms, this can take just as long as you need) have lots of celebration and applause, a few squeaks, and start all over again.
Cost: one rubber ducky and quite a bit of your sanity if you're not good with repetitive activity


Dishwasher Duplex
Did you know your dishwasher can also be a hotel for small plush animals, chunky books, and a medley of other toddler treasures?  Throw a few of them in there, lower the door, and your little one will love arranging and rearranging them.  He or she will also fancy removing the utensil holder to make room for a new seating area.
Cost: free, as long as you have a dishwasher.  Note: dishwasher need not be functional


Hall Ball
Using a plastic beach ball, place your baby on one end of the hallway.  Position yourself on the other side, within reach of your phone and glass of cold beverage.  Cause refreshment breaks are always nice while playing Hall Ball.  Roll the ball back and forth with your wee one and enjoy the few moments you can spend sitting down.  Because you'll soon be back to chasing the ball (and the baby).
Cost: one beach ball, and a few pops and creaks of your bones

Now that he's 1, Jackson has been very busy tackling his very own summer anti-boredom list.  He has successfully knocked the first 5 things off with no trouble at all.

 

Jackson's First Birthday

Here are (a truck load of) pictures from our summer, celebrating Jackson's first birthday and family visiting on vacation.  It was hot!  But we had tons of fun together.  Just like any first birthday, there was laughter, there were some tears, but there was plenty of cake!  Thanks to my family for being here for such a special time.  We love you!