Ask Sparkles 2.0

If you missed our introduction to Sparkles, you can visit this link and come back to us. (Think Dear Abby meets Little Miss Sunshine)

Dear Sparkles,

Dumbeau here. (For the record, I changed the spelling back in the 80s)  As far as Disney characters go, you know I'm pretty long in the tooth.  I'm old enough to be Princess Jasmine's great great grand-dad for Horton's sake!  And Sparkles, you know what they say about ears and noses?  It's true.  They never do stop growing.  So you can imagine what my life is like now. 

But it's not the size of my lobes prompting me to write you today, Sparkles.  You wouldn't recognize me--I've had a total physical makeover.  My problem now is what to do about all my saggy skin after losing a quarter ton on Disney's The Biggest Loser.  Truthfully, I only enrolled in the program because I was having trouble hearing, so when Tweedledee pointed to the sign up sheet, I thought he said "Biggest Boozer."  Some habits are hard to kick.  FYI: the producers frown upon champagne baths on the set. 

Sorry, I tend to trail off a bit in my older age.  Anyway, I've been faced with this ridicule my entire life, but now that I'm more of a meager mammoth, it's even worse.  People hate it when you're thin and fabulous, ya know.  Would you be able to recommend a good elephant-plasty surgeon?  If so, I'd really appreciate it! You're the best, Sparkles!  I won't forget you!  You know, we elephants don't forget.
Your Pal,
Dumbeau
P.S. I hope you like the picture!  It's from my beach portfolio.  I just got back from the Caribbean and I'll be updating my trunkbook page with more pictures soon!


Dearest Dumbeau,
You sweet old beautiful behemoth.  Do you know what?  I'm just so proud of you for getting your health on track, and you know, your Mama would be so proud of you too.  I hope you don't mind, but I made a few phone calls, aaaaaand--Disney's Biggest Loser is interested in recording an overall fitness and health dvd featuring some of their most successful contestants!!!  You have been chosen to lead a discussion panel about your experience, along with Ursula, Tilda, and Peg Leg Pete!  And Dumbeau, here's the best part!  Celine Dion has agreed to perform your personal theme song: "I Believe I Can Fly!" 

Oh Dumbo, your career is going to pick up again!  Who would have thought that a circus elephant with only a mouse for a friend could turn his life around like this!?  So you see, pal?  You need not worry!  The world loves you just the way you are! 

 

I wish you nothing but happiness and fat-slash-cholesterol free peanuts in your future! 

Hugs and Kisses!
Sparkles

The Back Page #13: The Glass Half Full

Remembering to see the teeny tiny silver lining in every oversized and unwelcome rain cloud.

• When the toilet overflows, it gives you a chance to do an impromptu cleaning of the bathroom, including towel-mopping the floor, finally tossing old magazines, and permanently throwing out the scale.

• When school is canceled for the 8th time this winter, just promote your extra help.  Tell them you have openings in: head chef, massage therapist, dishwashing patrol, and vacuuming consultant.

• When you finish the whole bag of pizza rolls and you have an acid meteor burning a hole through your stomach, just remember that purging the house of junk food is a very important precursor to any diet.

• When your toddler strips down in public, remember that we really shouldn't let our inhibitions hinder us from making a bold statement.

• When your emotions don't stay in check anymore and crying leads your eyes to get puffy, it's a great day to schedule that long overdue facial.

• When you pull out all the stops while attempting craft-making with your child only to have the finished product destroyed, it gives you a good idea how the cafeteria ladies feel when they scoop all that "food" on each tray, knowing 80% of it will wind up in the wastebasket.

• When you can never finish watching a television show without falling asleep, be happy that you don't suffer from insomnia.

• When you don't get the joke or you're slow to follow the story, just say, "Parts of my brain just don't function anymore due to raising children.  They must have deleted all my 'personal' files."

• When you have a really long and daunting "to-do" list, just be thankful that it isn't a "to-glue" list.  Cause I've heard those are even harder to tackle. #brokenthingsareeverywhereinmyhouse
  
  

• When the store's buy one get one free sale ended the day before your visit, tell them you are thinking of letting your toddler out of his stroller to just browse and assist you in finding a really good deal.  They will extend the sale one more day just for you.  Aren't you lucky?

 

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,

keep on the sunny side of life,

It will help us ev'ry day, it will brighten all the way,

if we keep on the sunny side of life.

Breakfast Sushi For Your Valentine

We took our love of both sushi & breakfast food and combined them!  Here's a fun new twist on your morning meal, and a new way to say "I love you" this Valentine's Day.   
 
You probably have most of these ingredients on hand:
Eggs (made scrambled)
Bacon
Potatoes
Shredded cheddar
Chocolate to garnish the plate*

*optional, but also required on February 14th :)

First, scramble your eggs the way you like them.  Some people add water, milk, cream, or cheese.  I add a little cheese and some half and half to mine.  Set aside. 

Cook your bacon.  I used turkey bacon for my recipe.  Less fat and also very easy to wrap.

Make your potatoes.  For a faster prep time, I use the frozen variety.  But you can use any potato, they're all delicious.  Tator tots and crispy crowns are especially easy to work with.    

Take your bacon and lay the strips on a plate.  Spoon a little of the eggs and then top by pressing a potato and hold in place.  Then roll your "sushi" up and secure with a toothpick.

Serve to your valentine(s) with a side of toast & a smile.  And don't forget to save some for yourself!

What Did We Do Today?

I am just so amused at what an almost 20 month old boy can do.  This has been the most fascinating stage, uncovering what Jackie understands--what he can communicate--using words, noises, and gestures.  We have these "conversations" called "What did we do today?" Whenever Jackie gets a little wiggly, and the ants are in his pants, it really directs his focus and he goes into a trance listening to Dada or Mama talk about the day's events.  If it's still morning, we discuss yesterday.  Or 3 weeks ago.  It doesn't matter.  As long as we're telling a story with memories he can recall, he absolutely loves it.  These conversations are frequently random, never chronological, and always satisfying.  At least to him.  And on long car rides, or just before dinner time when the witching hour is upon us, they never fail us.  Here is one such conversation.

 



A-Z: Media Personalities I'd Love To Talk To

Angus MacGyver
You troubleshoot all the livelong day, and yet you look rested and you keep up with your regular hair frosts.  How do you accomplish this?  Is your secret all locked up in the mullet? 

Betty Rubble
Please teach me that little snicker of yours.  You know--the way you laugh through your teeth like you're happily listening to Barney's story the 14th time he's told it.

Clarissa Darling
I'd love for you to come explain to our teenager how awesome and perfectly sustainable teenaged life was before snapchat, ipads, and tweets. 

Dave Seville
3 kids.  No wife.  Unusually high level of patience.  Dave.  What is your prescription, Dave?

Edith Bunker
Archie may refer to you as "ding bat," but I'm sure that if Ceelo, Adam, Christina, and Blake were around to hear you belt out "Those Were The Days," they'd be referring to you as a "4-chair turn." 

Fairy Godmother
Bibbity bobbity boo-yah.  If I could please just borrow your wand for like, one afternoon...

Gonzo the Great
Still loved and wildly popular despite drooping body parts and irrational ideas.  You give me hope.

Hulk Hogan
I could really use your help applying self tanner.  And maybe you could help me carry in the groceries.

Indiana Jones
Just living proof and a hopeful reminder that getting a little older does not make you incapable of conquering large feats.

(Uncle) Jesse Katsopolis
Even though you have twins and live in a Full House, you've got flawless hair, write your own lullabies, play the guitar AND sing, dressed in leather at least 5 days a week.  Have mercy.  You are nominated for father of the year in my book.

Cosmo Kramer
I have been looking for a housekeeper/chef.  Your multitasking skills are madly impressive...you're so hired.

Linus Van Pelt
Most kids throw their clothes and blankets in the laundry basket whether they're clean or dirty just so they don't have to put them away.  Not you, Linus.  The other peanuts could take a lesson from you in consideration.   

Marcia Brady
My ideal personal assistant.  She could organize my recipes, press my clothes, and then show me how she styles that perfect part in her hair.  No wonder Jan was jealous.  Girl's got it together.

Norm Peterson
I've never been there, but I would love to visit the original Museum of Happy Hour.   

Oprah Winfrey
You get a minivan, YOU get a minivan, EVERYBODY gets a minivaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!  Please, Oprah.  The time has come.  And I don't even care what color it is. 

Porky Pig
After a really long day, I kind of just want to clock myself off duty, pour a glass of wine, and then say "budeebudeebudee, that's all folks" too.

Queen Latifah

Because how nice would it be to really be named "Queen" and not just have to force suggest that everyone in your family call you that.

Roseanne
When I hear the unmistakable sounds of shrill whining, I think, well, at least mine's a cute whiner.

Tony Soprano (RIP)
I'll keep pouring your Corn Flakes, you just let me know which ceiling tile you hid the money in.  Capiche?

Tom the Cat
If I ever got a pet, it would be a house cat.  He's domesticated, a cute shade of blue, and is even a rodent exterminator.  I'm seriously calling PETA for you, Tom.  That Jerry is such a butthead.   

Underdog
Because I just need someone to save my day.

Viola Swamp
Standing next to her, I think I look pretty good.  Until I remind myself.  Hers is a costume.  Mine is called age 35.

Will Ferrell
If they offered a ribbon twirling class at L.A. Fitness, I'd be signed up yesterday.  I'd love to spend an hour with guys in these outfits.

X
Are there any "x" words other than xylophone and x-ray? 

Yogi Bear
Let's run away together, the 3 of us.  You, me, and the picnic basket.

Zack Morris
Is that a telephone or an immersion blender?  No matter.  I love how this kid could hatch any plot and see it through.  Whether planning a romantic Valentine's date with Kelly, helping Slater with his wrestling moves, or saving Screech's reputation, they just don't make em like this anymore.

What media personalities would you just love to talk to?