Ditching Class: The Prose & Cons

*This post is dedicated to Cathy and Steve Berg, Jenny Gaff, Don Graham, and all the other teachers in my life that have inspired me, corrected my grammar, and kept me from flunking Algebra Trig.  Thank you!

Remember High School English class?  Yeah, me neither.  Too bad.

No, actually, I do remember it because I really did enjoy it, but that is the geeky teacher part of me speaking. 

No matter how you feel about it, I'm sure we all can relate to it on some level. 

Like that moment when you realize you were supposed to finish reading that novel and there's a test over it tomorrow!

 

There's no way you can finish it in time.  There are just too many other important things going on (like the football game, who you're sitting next to at lunch, or that secret you're supposed to be keeping for so-and-so).  Must keep priorities straight.

Today's youth has the Internet.  We didn't.  So what did we do?  Some of us went to the store and bought these...(And if you didn't buy them then you borrowed them from another slacker friend).

Cliff's Notes.  That naughty little booklet that condenses all the important stuff, lightens your workload by slicing your reading time down by 80%, and gives you the gist of the story without actually having to read the book. 

The only drawback?  Feeling like you had just cheated on your teacher.

Well, don't worry about it anymore.  If you're feeling guilty for having missed a couple assignments because you were too busy scouring your closet to find the perfect outfit so that some girl would ask, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" and you just want to make it right, this little Cliff's Notes style Review is just for you! 

Consider it free tutoring for all you class skippers! (Nutsy, I'm calling you out!)

FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE

Simile (everyone's favorite, the one with 'like' or 'as')
1. Grandma Marie says your face looks like a peeled onion and your hair is as soft as a mole.  There you are, sweetie.  A moley onion.
2. My Jackie is as graceful as Dumbo in a dollhouse.

Metaphor (the 'sort of confusing' one, without like or as)
1. Toddlers are the souvenirs from your recent trip to Hell.
2. My car is the black hole where small plush animals go and are never seen or heard from again. 
(Still confused about similes or metaphors?  Go listen to any Bruno Mars or Maroon 5 song.  And if you still don't get it, just enjoy the music.  And look at Adam Levine's face.)

Alliteration (repetition of initial consonant)
Jabbering Jackie (still in his jammies) jokingly jiggled his jello.  So mama jumped up like a jazzy jitterbug, (praising Jesus), and joined Jackie (and the jello) on the journey from the air.  To the floor.  Joy.  

Hyperbole (exaggeration)
1. I feel older than the hills today. 
2. My house is so clean you can lick the floor. (please stop laughing)

 

 

LITERARY FORMS

DRAMA
Act II, Scene 7

Phil: (after just getting home from work) Oh wow, it looks like a bomb went off in here. I'm gonna start cleaning up.

Karen: (passed out on the couch, exhausted) You want some help?
Phil: Uh, yeah a little. (laughs) I didn't make this mess.
Karen: Hahaha, sweetie.  You're just so funny!  You're hilarious.  Oh, how did I ever get so lucky?  I didn't make the mess either, darling.  But here's a Mr. Clean magic eraser.  I just know if you concentrate and work together, between the two of you, you can figure out who did.
(Karen leaves the room)

POETRY

The Haiku

Bath time is over

By the time the last duck squeaks

Water everywhere

Standing in your crib

I found you there this morning

It's all over now

Underneath the crib
Many binkies congregate
That's their meeting spot
 

Dimple faced darling

Already using cuteness

To get what you want

FABLE
Once upon a time, a mommy was picking up in the living room for the 4th time that day.  "There are (insert expletive here) toys everywhere!" she exclaimed.  All of a sudden she tripped over a small smiling train car and splat! crash landed, breaking 3--possibly 4--toes on her way down.  Her little baby started laughing and applauding, and this instantly cheered the black and blue mama up.  She looked around at the wreckage.  The house was in shambles.  But the mommy forgot what she was so upset about, what with all the giggling and fun.  The End.  THE LESSON: Better a crowded home than a lonely mansion.







FRIENDLY LETTER
Dear Dora,
Hi sweetie.  I was just wondering how many more episodes are in your contract.  I'd like to "vaminos" to another planet when you're on the screen.  If you need some help tightening your backpack straps, just let me know.  Thanks a million.  Love to Diego!
Your Friend,
Karen


SCIENCE FICTION
We have been chosen by scientists conducting new research on common baby odors and their effects on the brain, mood, and ability to focus on housework.  It may be worse than we thought.

NOVEL
Currently on my night-stand: One Flew Over The Poo Poo's Nest.  You won't be able to put it down. 

WRITING

SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Declarative: Hmm, it looks like someone has been rummaging through my secret candy drawer.
Interrogative: Did you eat my last bag of Dove dark chocolate??
Exclamatory: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ATE MY LAST PIECE OF CHOCOLATE!!
Imperative: You will go, at this very moment, to Walgreen's and buy me replacements.

IRONY
When trying to pry the car keys from their jaws-of-life grips, it's impossible to wrangle them.  But give them a lollipop in a sandbox, and that sucker's going down every time. (Bonus points if you caught the pun)

MAJOR CONFLICTS
Mom Versus Nature: You may be eating lunch so I won't go into that.
Mom Versus Herself: When you think you're looking like Halle Berry leaving the house, when in actuality, you look like Harry Caray.  -------->
Mom Versus Mom: Not in my world.  I need my mom friends.  They are the best resources and they put babycenter and webmd to shame.  Mamas need to stick together because it's becoming clearer by the day that it's really us versus them.


I hope you enjoyed your refresher lesson.
And remember, if you are given an open book exam, don't forget your book.
If you're given a take home exam, don't forget where you live.

9 Month Stats: Today was Jackson's 9 month well visit and he got an A+ from his pediatrician.  He's in the 98th percentile for height and weight.  That's our boy.  He didn't have to get any shots, but he did receive a customary poke in the big toe to check his iron level.  On the way home, he must have decided he was over it because I found the used and bloody band-aid.  In his mouth.  And that white soggy substance on the band-aid is the saliva covered cottonball.  Plus a Bob the Builder sticker for the sweet little maniac.  Incidentally, today was also the day that his doctor gave us the phone number for Poison Control.  Aaaaaand now it's programmed into my phone.  On speed dial.

   




Clipart Sources:
http://www.nickutopia.com
http://www.fitfemaleforty.com
http://www.starsandpopcorn.com
http://www.collegehumor.com