The Back Page #6: Pictures Say 1000 Words

• What would life be like if stores sold clothing according to age, just like with baby attire?

                                          

6-9 months

 

17-24 years



 



85+ years

24-104 years

                         

appropriate at no age ever...

 
• Truth: Grass doesn't grow on a busy street.  Myth: Cobwebs don't grow in a busy house.

 

• I've had fantasies of being locked in a grocery store or Barnes and Noble, but I doubt any mom ever dreamed of being locked in Toys R Us.  That has nightmare written all over it.

• Best not get frazzled when your baby stuffs cheeto puffs into his mouth, one after another, not taking the time to bite or chew.  He learned it by watching you, Mom.  He learned it by watching you.

 

• These bears are at it again.  What other life lessons could they possibly teach us that they haven't covered already?  Oh yeah.  The Berenstein Bears and Too Much Pinterest.

• And in product review updates, apparently, Double Stuff just wasn't cutting it anymore for some Oreo lovers.  Proponents of the new Mega Stuf cookie only have one word in response to critics: YOLO.      
  

  

 

• And speaking of eating, of course I can give you a good explanation for why the whole bag of potato chips is gone.  The first chip broke into 47 pieces in the dip, and I needed each subsequent chip to use as a chip-saving device to rescue the original guy and all his broken chip brothers.  Lest they just die in the cold dip ocean.  Just call me the Dip Coast Guard.   

 

• The Evolution of Baby Phones.  Not even a year old and already more upgrades than me.  



 
• Carnivals.  Beautiful from a distance.  Scary train wrecks up close.  See also: Ms. Lohan   

• The most important thing to remember about Take Out, regardless of how good or bad it tastes, is that you didn't make it.  And on a similar wavelength, raise your hand if your spice rack has been demoted from useful kitchen item to for decoration only.

• Okay, I get it.  You're mad because something is poking you (new teeth), driving you bonkers, and causing you noticeable discomfort during the night and you want me to do something about it...It's funny, now you know how I felt a couple of weeks before you got here!   

• Walking toward my car, I witnessed the back view of a woman loading groceries into her trunk.  She may have thought her wardrobe was comfortable for an afternoon of shopping, but it made me first cringe, and second, so very thankful that I never chose the unfortunate ensemble of paper-thin, non-black yoga bottoms with thong underpants in the bright Arizona sunshine.  People, even if you have zero cellulite, don't do this.  Phew. 



• The other morning, a couple of hours after Phil had left for work, I went into the kitchen to make a bottle, and came back into the living room to find Jackie crouched on the floor staring at this.  At first, I was like "I have the smartest baby ever!," but then I remembered Phil's completely adorable, yet still somewhat frightening way of drawing the #5.

• Late, late at night, when you're dozing off with the tv on again, is it just me, or do Betty White, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and Snuggle the fabric softener bear all have the same voice?     

 

• As far as giving me a mother's day present this year, it's really not necessary.  I am still enjoying all the lovely souvenirs from the Give Birth Gift Shop.  Stretch marks, weird veins, yeah...I'm pretty set for now. 

• The "accidental dial" has only been in existence since the dawning of touch screen cell phones, but it has been wreaking havoc on relationships ever since.  So, how much of my conversation did you actually hear?  Can we just go back to rotary phones so that the next time I have 3 glasses of wine, it would be nearly impossible to cause this degree of ruination?

 

A dad told his son that ice cream truck drivers only play a tune when they're all out of ice cream.  I'm happy I have this knowledge stashed in my arsenal of untruths for later.

• Just the other day, as I picked up peeled grapes pieces, spit-out strawberries, and brown banana mush, a thought crossed my mind.  Someone must love me cause this is like the 4th Edible Arrangement I've received just this week.

 
• How I picture myself as a housewife...                                   How my husband sees it...