The Back Page #5: That's Not Dinner Table Subject Matter

• The act of purposefully not finishing the last cookie or cracker in the box for fear that you'd have to be the one to dispose of it is a genetically inherited trait.  And my husband has the dominant gene. 

If I act busy over here, 
maybe she'll stop singing.

• Actual question someone asked me: Is that there the baby you was pregnant with?  (Um, yes-last I checked).  Her follow up response: You bet yer britches, he's a big boy.  Good luck. 

• When I heard the soft sounds of nature, I thought for sure it was one of Jackie's toys, but I couldn't find it anywhere.  30 minutes later, I finally realized it was spring outside and those were the actual birds--not another hunk of cheap battery operated plastic trying to soothe us all into a happier place.

• Just in case you thought only toddlers and teenagers were disagreeable, it turns out that babies aren't always keen on your ideas either.  While singing Itsy Bitsy Spider to Jackie the other night, he rolled his eyes, did the na-na-na-na-boo-boo tongue zerbert, and looked at me like "c'mon, Mom, this song is like, so 6 months ago.

• If you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant soon, go now.  Leave your house and go to your nearest retail shopping center.  Buy yourself cute shoes, a new sweater, a watch, whatever you fancy. Don't ask questions, just do it, honey.  Then come home and put it all away in your closet.  Leave it there and do not take the tags off.  Many many weeks later, when you realize why you can never go shopping in the same way again, you'll thank me.  And then YAY! because look at all that "new" stuff you just bought! 

• The Casio keyboard song bank.  Fooling kids into believing their parents are just amazing musicians for years and years.  Well, you're not fooling anyone anymore, Dad.  And this is just as devastating as the Milli Vanilli sham, if not more so.

• I'm still waiting for DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince to come out with the sequel and much more BELIEVABLE song...because I think it's more like "Babies Just Don't Understand." 

• I'm trying to lose a few more pounds before Jackie is old enough to correctly point to body parts and use colorful adjectives to describe their sizes with alarming accuracy.

• I just lost a spelling bee.  The word was relief and I spelled w-i-n-e.  I mean, am I wrong??

• As it turns out, I'm not very good at estimation... "One or two wipes should do it."  (Ha!!!) or probability... "What are the chances he could throw both the cup AND the plate on the floor at the same time?" (very good, in fact). 

• I can't imagine working in a day care and having to wear protective gloves because you change diapers all day for a living.  It's hard enough holding stuff with bare hands! 

• The paper towel stocker at the local grocery store.  He hates me.  And so do the garbage men on our cul de sac probably.  So sorry guys. 

• I just can't help but thinking, if these guys had only chosen the name The Band Scary instead, I might have been asked to join. 

  

  I'm the one playing the bone drum.
   

• Jackie was already asleep for the night.  But when I went to his room to check on him, something was a little "off" with the freshness level in the air.  Could it be the usual culprit--the diaper pail, or was it a midnight deposit from my sleeping angel?  So I employed the always accurate If you smell it, then you better put a nose on it (Sung just like Beyonce's "Put a Ring on it").  This trusted method has been used by generations of parents to determine how quickly a diaper change needs to happen.  I just wanted to clear up any confusion because it definitely doesn't happen the way it's depicted on the Huggies commercials where they sleep all night, no bodily functions happen, and they're fresh as a tulip in the morning.  Um...no. 

• We live in a winter visitor's paradise.  Although it's nice--I mean, who doesn't love having extra Grandmas and Grandpas around?--it can be a real pimple on your ass when you're trying to drive.  You know you picked the wrong lane when a school bus, a tow truck, and a man with one leg just passed you.  Move out of the way, there are no speed bumps on the freeway!!

• I learned something today.  In an epic bathroom battle between bananas and prunes, you might think they cancel each other out.  No.  The prunes win every time. 

Should I tell her that she's not gonna like this diaper?  Nah, I'll just let it be a surprise. 
And would it be too much to ask for some updated bathroom reading material?

Clipart:
http://www.topfloormusic.com
http://www.sodahead.com